When one awakes each morn, one reminds oneself that using “one” is pretentious and irritating. One then endeavours to stop this practice so as not to be deemed by others as a bit of a jackass.

Sadly, not all human males have the same ability. Indeed, and rather, it’s as if using “one” allows them to appear higher and mightier than those around them.

Today’s human female wants her boyfriend to stop overusing it to function as an impersonal pronoun. Let us aim to SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE before they even get married.

How to Get Your Man Bloke to Stop Using “One” to Sound Clever

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend of three months, Charlie, likes to pretend to read big and complicated books to sound dead clever. In the last few weeks he’s started using “one”. Like this, “One believes one loves thee!” That’s what he said to me. Before that he said stuff like, “I reckons you’re dead fit you are, love!” When I told him that was more patronising than romantic he went off to the local library and nabbed a load of Shakespeare novels and physics science books.

Well, sure enough, within hours he was writing crap poetry and overusing “one” every 10 seconds. He’s driving me nuts! When not doing that he’ll stroke the fluff on his chin (he can’t grow a proper beard yet he’s 20) and then says some big and confusing sciencey word. Like, yesterday he said “photosynthesis” at least 35 times and mixed it up occasional by adding in “psychics” because he’s not pronouncing physics properly. He’s also booked us in to see a psychic to predict our relationship future. He texted me this morning with this:

“One wants one (you) to join one (me) on one of our ONEdrous (pun) adventures to the psychic so one (she) can read the stars and one (you) and one (me) can predict when one’s (ours) babies are born and they shall be called One One and One Two. Ones, Charlie”

I texted him back with this:

“My babies aren’t going to be called One One and One Two you bellend!”

Anyway, I upset him with that message and he sulked all afternoon and into the evening. Guess it’s my fault. I’d prefer it if he went back to saying I’m “dead fit” if I’m honest, I seem to have messed with his head and turned him into a pretentious ass (or “arse” as he’s been saying it).

Worse still he’s rubbing off on me with all this! I was out with the girlies the other night on the lash and after a few cocktails with the ladies I said, “One thinks one should go dancing now!” And for the rest of the night they were laughing at me, affecting my voice and going “one, one, one!” and laughing like bloody hyenas.

Charlie did this to me. Should I punch his face in?!?

Yours, Chloe

Hi there, Chloe! This isn’t something to worry about, really, except it is and your man blokes is in serious trouble! He clearly has a dissociative identity disorder, which is leading him to use “one” instead of talking like a normal person.

The best course of action is a lobotomy. Drilling into his skull will release the demonic demons trapped in there and assist with his recovery.

He can either get this done at a local medical facility OR you can go on the black market. DIY options are also available, such as jamming a hoover into his mouth and sucking all the ones out of him.

Please note, the above options will lead to serious injuries and likely leave him incapacitated. As such, consider how much you really like him before going ahead with this illegal activity.