Some human males can be annoying. This is true. The result of this is the human female may wish to do something such as immolate the, aforementioned, human male’s belongings.
Whilst this is technically “not right”, it also isn’t technically “wrong”.
To help today’s damsel in distress through her explosive rampage, we’re on hand to dispense with useful information regarding burning people’s stuff to the ground.
The Ins and Outs of Destroying Your Boyfriend’s Stuff
Dear agony aunt,
My boyfriend Oliver is 22 and he’s being super annoying lately. Super annoying. We moved in together at Christmas and then I started to hate him and men in general quite a bit more after that. This is the stuff he’s done to frustrate me:
- Clogged the toilet 13 times
- Refuses to wash the dishes
- Never hoovers
- Never does any chores at all tbh
- Invites “the lads” round and they drink beer and make a mess
- Plays FIFA on this PS5 every night
- “Lets one rip” whenever he feels like it
- Leaves his clothes all over the floor
- Only ever wears hoodies and jeans
- Lives on a diet of instant noodles and tinned beans
- He never actually heats the beans up he just scoops them out of the tin with his fingers
- Doesn’t wash very often
All of the above are kind of a deal breaker for me, so I told him he needs to move out last night and that we’re done. He didn’t take that very well and got angry, went to the fridge, and got beers out and started drinking the beers. I don’t think he’s going to leave…
Extreme situations demand extreme measures. Should I burn all his belongings?
It might be a bit late for an answer because I did that this morning. While he was unconscious passed out drunk on the floor I got his stuff, piled them in a big pile outside our apartment block, tipped some petrol on it, and lit fire to all of it. While his stuff BURNED women from the other flats lent out of their windows and yelled:
- “YOU GO GIRL!”
- “STICK IT TO THE MAN!”
- THAT’LL TEACH THE SACK OF SHITE!”
- “SOMEBODY CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE!”
Anyway, the fire brigade were called, rushed out, and blasted the inferno out with their hosepipes. My friend at uni is studying psychology and said this was all a metaphor for how masculinity is can only be doused by the righteous actions of men in the right (the fire brigade) vs those in the wrong (layabouts bums in hoodies) and tbh I don’t understand what she’s on about half the time.
The police are involved and my boyfriend, when he came to, has threatened me with legal action. His mum rang me up an hour ago and called me a “bitch” and then hung up… what do I do?
Cheers, Alice
Hi there, Alice! What’s important to remember about a situation like this is you can’t unburn burned property. In other words, your boyfriend’s stuff is gone and you can’t undo that (unless you go and re-purchase all the stuff you burned, then he does kind of have it all back).
There are two clear avenues you could take to resolve the matter:
- Apologise
- Don’t apologise
Both options are fraught with psychological nuances that, frankly, we’re not qualified to ramble on about. We’re a black market agony aunt, not a therapy session.
As such, we recommend you get really, really, really drunk on cocktails at a bar.
Then, at the peak of your drunkenness, make a decision. What does drunk Alice make of the situation? If that involves battering your door down and punching your boyfriend in the face, that’s your emotive leader of a decision and the one to run with. After all, drunk decisions are always the BEST decisions*!
*Please note: Drunken decisions are often catastrophically poor, so take the above advice with a pinch of salt (and tequila).
