Think for a second about those human males whom overuse the laughing crying emoji. They’re likely to be the type of human male whom also uses “whom” and/or overuses their smartphone device majigger.
If they are on their phone all the time, this can affect relationships and the like. Or something. At least, that’s what we think today’s human female in distress is WHINGING on about. Lucky we’re here to help!
When a Man Loves His Phone More Than His Woman
Dear agony aunt,
My husband of age 35 has a phone addiction. Ridiculous, I know, considering he’s supposed to be a “grown up” and yet he IS NOT a grown up. He spends most of his time on it on Candy Crush, a CHILDISH computer games for man babies like my ridiculous husband. It truly is ridiculous to have to lie in bed with him all night as he plays out his addiction, raging at his phone (“darling” as he calls it, cradling it in his sweaty hands) as he attempts to set world records on Candy Crush.
When he’s not doing that he’s got 100 apps and I had a good scan through his activity on all of them. This is what he’s up to (and thinks I don’t know):
- Tinder: He’s created a profile and is using AI to add hair and boobs to his pictures and is pretending to be a woman. To be honest, he’s doing pretty well and has a lot of male interest with several date offers… but that’s besides the point! What the hell is this all about!?
- Instagram: His account has 3,000 pictures all of them selfies of him lying in bed pouting.
- TikTok: He has 13 followers and posts volatile rants about his least favourite sandwiches.
- X: On Twitter he hasn’t posted since 2016… I guess he doesn’t like this app.
- LinkedIn: He’s posted 1,345 humble bragging posts to LinkedIn showing off about promotions and even the occasions he’s been sacked.
Honestly, that last one is the most embarrassing. After being fired from his last job in 2023 due to incompetence, he rage posted against the company calling them a “bunch of bastards” and the boss a “sack of shit” and his manager “a single bastard” and the company “a bag bastard sack of shite”.
I checked his emails from them and turns out he was sued for defamation of character. He tried to settle out of court by sending the boss and manager naked pictures of himself, but that only added to the list of charges.
Last night, I tentatively asked him about the LinkedIn situation while we were eating spaghetti bolognese and watching Netflix. He suddenly spat out a mass of spaghetti across the room and went very pale and uncommunicative. He then walked out of the room. I later found him laying on the bathroom floor and curled up in the foetal positions…
I think I broke my husband, he’s still in that state. It’s this stupid phone. How do I get him to stop using it?
Best regards,
Alexandria
Hi there, Alexandria. This is all very intriguing and leads to an immediate, damning verdict of two core components:
- You are the problem
- You need to sort your life out
Never mind the deranged, borderline psychotic behaviour of your husband. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOING RIFLING THROUGH HIS PHONE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION!? EVER HEARD OF BOUNDARIES!?! Evidently not!
On every single level, your actions are a breach of The Equality Act 2010, The Bazookas at Work Act 1974, and every possible conceivable tacit rule of marriage.
Hang your head in shame, Alexandria, when the police turn up!
We’ve informed them and can confirm they’re on their way to your address, with full riot squad and water cannons, to put you where you deserve (to be)—BEHIND BARS!
