Some human females are famous for liking animals such as hamsters, cats, dogs, and goats. However, some are prone to things like birds, snakes, and horses.

It must have been with immense surprise that today’s damsel in distress received a unique gift from her one true love—a wasp. She isn’t best pleased about it, but luckily we’re on hand to provide insect-based pet advice to support her new fluffy little stingy darling.

A Pet Wasp Isn’t Just for Summer Heatwaves

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend Charlie is 18 and I’m his first girlfriend. I’m Emma and I’m 19 and he turned up for my birthday last week and said, “Babe I is know you love animals so I is got you ace present, blud.” He always talks like that because he thinks he’s “cool”. Anyway, he’s got me a pet wasp. He had it in a jar and he opened the jar at home and the wasp immediately was very angry and started surging at us and trying to sting us. I let out a scream and Charlie got very defensive and tried to punch the wasp while yelling “TAKE THAT, YA BASTARD!” over and over.

I’m an animal rights activist so I told him to “cut that shit out” and not hurt the wasp. But then he was stung by the wasp and he went into anaphylactic shock and we had to call him an ambulance and rush him to hospital.

When we got back (he’s okay, btw) we found the wasp resting on a wall and it’d calmed down a lot.

I decided to call it Angus (it looks like an Angus).

Life with Angus the wasp can be trying, at times, but I’ve decided to make good of this present and make sure he has a good 3 week life. Within the first three days I’d been stung 13 times and Charlie had to move out because he kept getting stung and having anaphylactic shock. He’s currently living in the hospital on ward 13. So I’m left at home HAVING TO LOOK AFTER ANGUS and he’s a pain in more ways than one!

I built it a hive out of stringy cheese and bits of wood and left honey around for it to eat. Generally, though, it kind of just flew around getting more and more angry, stinging me whenever it could, plus I had to keep rescuing it from spiders webs. It keeps getting stuck in the webs, so I’ve been up for 72 hours straight to try and keep Angus alive and well. I looked it up and they live for about 22 days but to honest I don’t reckon I can stay awake that long. I’m about ready to pass out from exhaustion just typing this to you. But when I’m about to pass out Angus bloody well stings me FFS!

I can’t take much more of this! What the hell can I do to make this nightmare end!? I’m a good person! I got grades Cs and Bs at GCSE at high school I don’t deserve this crap! I work at a supermarket! My social status is going up, but this wasp is stinging me down!

HELP!

Emma

Hi there, Emma! Have you considered opening a window and letting Angus back out into the wild? Wasps don’t make for pets, they need to be in their specific colony to flourish.

As such, we recommend you go and find Angus’ wasp colony and bring it into your living room, this way ensuring he feels completely at home in your home.

Granted, that’ll result in swarms of the angry insects and many, many stings, but you have to remember this is a nice gesture from your boyfriend and you don’t want to let him down. Once he gets back from hospital, he’s got about 10,000 of the bastards to deal with and will need your moral support.