Following on from yesterday’s deeply disturbing agony aunt (the family that eats tinned soup every day), we referred the case over to Dr. Moron. Yes, our esteemed editor is an agony aunt expert and ALSO an unqualified medical practitioner. His boundless brilliance knows no bounds.

Anyway, enough of the preamble and onward with the supreme advice on how too much tinned soup can lead to a fate worse than indigestion.

When There’s Too Much Tinned Soup in Your Diet

PLEASE NOTE: OUR "MEDICAL ADVICE" IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND YOU SHOULD IGNORE EVERY SINGLE WORD OF IT.

Dear Dr. Moron,

It’s me again from yesterday, Vera. You told me to send over more details of me and my family’s canned soup diet. This is the food plan I have what drewed up to show you what we is what going to eat in October.

OCTOBER FOOD PLAN FOR VERA (AND MY FAMILY)

• Week 1: Tinned cream of tomato soup
• Week 2: Tinned cream of tomato soup
• Week 3: Tinned leek and potato soup
• Week 4: Tinned cream of tomato soup
• Week 5: Tinned lobster bisque

The tomato one is MY favourite, so I force this flavour onto the rest of them. My husband, Bob, complains but he can’t even cook a boiled egg so he has to accept it or he’ll go hungry, starve and waste away. The kids? Well they’re kids and they will eat what I give them and be happy about it!

Anyway, is this diet “bad” for me and my family? I don’t think it is. I’m the very picture of health. My friends say I look amazing! Men yell stuff at me in the street! My boss at work made a highly inappropriate pass at me just yesterday! I put all this attention down to my diet of tinned soups. They’re healthy, lean, mean, tasty, and if anyone says a bad word about them I become quite hysterical.

Warm soups, Vera

Hi there, Vera. Thank you for taking the time to write in, following your referral from our agony aunt feature. It humbles me, Dr. Moron, to think you’re confident in putting your trust in my advice.

That being said, and after carefully considering your case, you’re clearly batshit insane.

You don’t even have, like, bread or toast with your soup. Or croutons. That is so utterly bizarre, so completely outside the realm of sanity, that I cannot, in good conscience, take any other step then demanding to local authorities to have you sectioned.

I’m sorry, but it’s for the good of the nation.

Addendum: Statement From Dr. Moron

NB: As a coda to this tragic soup-based tale, Vera was sectioned on 29th September 2025 under the advice of the esteemed Dr. Moron. She was released on 30th September 2025 after it became apparent Dr. Moron is not a qualified doctor and, additionally, repeatedly serving tinned soup is not an action that warrants immediate psychiatric hospital assistance. Upon learning this, Vera has pressed significant legal charges against Professional Moron and Mr. Wapojif (aka Dr. Moron). We would like to indicate this is an unfounded accusation and reject any suggestion of wrongdoing. Our unqualified medical advice is second only to qualified medical advice that, of course, is better to seek than our haphazard guesswork. However, we offer a budget service with quick turnarounds, thus saving our patients plenty of time. We regret that, in this instance, Mrs. Vera had to spend a night in the slammer (as it were), but we have learned the experience included a meal other than tinned soup (our sources inform us it was a bowl of soggy cornflakes and mug of cheap granule coffee). We hope this newfound lease of different foodstuffs spurs her on beyond her psychotic episode so she can lead a happier, healthier, tinned soup free existence.