The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a famous 1989 self-help work by Stephen R. Covey. Thanks to its success, in 1991 a spin-off work was launched by an unknown author called Steve R. Lovely.

Called The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People, it sold 300 copies in its first six months after launch and then disappeared off into obscurity.

Decades later, it’s an intriguing read. It turns out people don’t want to learn how to be ineffective, as many of the people buying the work are already in that state. Indeed. Rather.

Lessons in Being Useless: 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

“It is one thing to make a mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive mistakes, because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgment. But people will not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of the first mistake.

The good news is, as you’re reading this as you don’t give a shit, you don’t have to give a toss about any of that.”

This is a 10 page book. Its brevity is so ineffective as a debating point, it kind of says so in the title (or something). On page one it goes straight into the 7 habits to aim for:

• Habit 1: Don’t be proactive
• Habit 2: Begin at the end (so you don’t have to do anything)
• Habit 3: Put first things last (as above)
• Habit 4: Think “Sod it! I can’t be arsed…”
• Habit 5: Seek to give up
• Habit 6: Synergise the cheese
• Habit 7: Sharpen the tin opener

The author’s pompous TOV offers a high level of conviction in their expertise on ineffectiveness. Yet despite the dodgy nature of the work, we do genuinely believe the author be be genuinely ineffective at many things.

As such, that means the work is quite convincing in its convictions and worthy of a 2/5.

Interview With the Author, Arrest, and New Novel

Professional Moron hunted down Steve R. Lovely. He’s now 77 and lives in Cornwall as a con artist. He told us over the phone:

“Oh… shit… you’re here about that book? I thought I’d never hear about that ever again. Look… it was just a bad time in my life, I was addicted to marshmallows and in love with a woman who stole my cabbage patches. I was furious, listless, and decided to be as ineffective as possible. I stopped doing that in 1995 and started swindling people. That’s a traditional value I live by to this day.”

Due to this revelation, the police became aware of him and he was arrested and charged with treason. However, as it turned out, the judge was one of the few people who’d ever read the book. As such, the author was given an ineffective 17 hours in prison.

Steve R. Lovely later told us:

“I’m a changed man! Those seventeen hours in jail were brutal. I stubbed my big toe, sneezed twice, and the food was awful. I’ll try to be less ineffective in future, but no promises.”

He has since told us he plans to release a work about his time in prison called The Shawshank Redemption.