Welcome to Chopin’s Shoppin’ Centre! At this fine establishment, you can enjoy the glorious works of famous classical musician Chopin, all while shopping for baked beans, spaghetti hoops, fizzy drinks, crisps, and other UPF packed foods that give you appalling stomach cramps and kidney stones!

Shoppin’ at Chopin’s is a Consumerist Dream!

You name it, Chopin’s has got it! Whether it’s ultra-processed tinned goods packed with chemicals and preservatives, or fizzy drinks ready and waiting to surge you toward type II diabetes, our shop has got the lot. In fact, that’s our motto:

“OUR SHOP HAS GOT THE LOT!”

And our retail staff SHOUT this line at you while your peruse around the store shoppin’. Oh yes, and here’s the best bit! While you shop, we blast Chopin’s greatest hits at MAXIMUM AND DEAFENING VOLUME to make you feel hassled and hurried, ensuring you make stupid rushed purchasing decisions that helps our business grow (exponentially).

YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO HEAR A THING!

And atop of that, our angry and underpaid employees will be shouting at you the whole while! They’re mainly sullen and moody teenagers on minimum wage, just grappling with the realisation this is their working life for the next 60+ years, so best of luck finding the corned beef ham aisle all by yourself, shopper!

Upsell Opportunity: BUY, BUY, BUY CHOPIN BUST ACCESSORIES!!!

Wherever you go in this striking supermarket, striking busts of Chopin (the man himself) are around the store looking striking. Adorned on them in striking fashion are all manner of accessories:

• Sunglasses
• Keyrings
• Small shopping bags
• Small bags of sweets
• Bags of meat
• Earrings
• Perfume

You know what to do, shopper! Buy as much as possible to keep this store afloat! There’s only one at the moment, located off the M1 just outside London, but we want to DOMINATE the market, usurp Tesco, ASDA, and all those other hoity toity tossers, and bring some much-needed class to UK shopper centres!

The Mazurka Mall Map

As you attempt to shop, you will become lost. Refer to the Mazurka map to find your way around, accompanied (as you will be—and not by choice) Mazurka dancers ready to make you feel awkward and ready to buy more stuff.

The dancers will continue harassing you until you have bought more items and become unlost, as we DO NOT want you clogging up the store post closing time (5pm SHARP).

Minor Key Food Court: Eat Here, Shoppers!

Enjoy the dreary misery of our anachronistic food court, dedicated as it is to 19th century cuisine! Pay extortionate prices for minor key foods such as:

• Floppy white bread
• Plain toast
• Toast with margarine
• Cheap coffee
• Cheap tea
• Baked beans
• Spaghetti hoops
• Grim misery
• Existential despair
• Woe Is Me Waffles

The Woe Is Me Waffles are enjoying a ROARING trade right now, costing £10 for a batch of three that are drizzled with Marmite, mustard, ketchup, and horse radish and served to you partially cooked properly.

All to the tune of Chopin’s bangin’ beats! Mosey on down today to piss your life away!