Noses at work present one of the most serious issues any employer must face. At your business, it is vital you adhere to The Control of Noses at Work Regulations 1974 and ensure your employees’ noses follow strict guidelines and regulations.

Failure to do so could result in death and destruction on a company-wide basis.

In this expert employment law guide, our team of capitalist failures will rant and rave about the importance of this topic and how to prevent your organisation from imploding from within.

Understanding the Law Regarding Noses in the Workplace

Noses are commonplace in any working environment. This is because more employees you hire will have one, but any whom do not will appear too frightful to be in your employ. As such, it’s good business practice to maintain a stance of aesthetic discrimination when it comes to hiring individuals. As in, ensure they have a nose.

However, there is matter the separate matter of flicking bogeys at work.

This abhorrent act costs the UK economy £130 billion annually from lost productivity. Treat bogey flickers as the scum of the Earth, although you must remember your employer commitments under The Control of Noses at Work Regulations 1974. Namely that noses:

1. Filter and warm the air members of staff breathe
2. Are home to bogeys, mucus, and snot
3. Can be picked at any moment
4. Can become blocked with congestion (rush hour for noses)

Some employees may indulge in blowing their nose at work. Don’t tolerate such trumpet-based antics, as under The Control of Noses at Work Regulations 1974 you can come down on these impertinent bastards like a tonne of bricks (sacking, disciplinary hearings etc.).

Ultimately, remember that you must treat the nose sporting employee with contempt.

They don’t earn much, they look stupid, and even the most attractive members of staff will look stupid when sitting there, on a lower pay bracket than you, picking snot from their nostrils. Does that reek of promotion material? No. No, it does not.

How to Manage Employees With Big Noses

Large noses can be a disgusting presence in any working environment, especially if they’re pockmarked and bright red. If any arrives at a job interview sporting a nose such as this, instantly assume they’re a raging alcoholic and no greater than the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

If someone with a large nose ends up working for your business, such as via a hiring mistake, do everything in your power to force them to resign. You could:

• Address them in emails with “Dear big nose”
• Mock them relentlessly during working hours
• Send them texts out of hours mocking them then
• Encourage their colleagues to mock them
• Offer to pay for nose reduction surgery

The more discriminatory and uncomfortable you make them, the higher the chance they’ll abandon ship and go and work for a more tolerant (i.e. WOKE!!!) employer. More fool them!

UK Law on Nose Studs/Rings in the Workplace

Some members of staff, being feckless communists, will get a nose stud/ring. While a blatant showcase of their evil socialist ideology, keep in mind that under The Control of Noses at Work Regulations 1974 you have the right to ask them politely to remove the, aforementioned, stud and/or ring.

Section 135 (b) on page 3,451 of the Act states:

“Nose studs/rings are the work of Satan. Fear them. Run screaming from any individual sporting them. Then hire a priest to attend your location and perform an exorcism, thus banishing the stud/ring into the depths of Hell.”

It’s good business practice to have the priest, while on your property, to perform further exorcisms for any members of staff sporting:

• Tattoos
• Leftist propaganda (i.e. communist pamphlets)
• Vegan food
• Earrings
• Dyed purple/pink/blue hair
• Chin dimples

Chin dimples is a separate matter, but the worst case scenario for any business would involve an employee sporting a chin dimple and:

• Purple/pink/blue hair
• Tattoos
• Earrings

And if they’re feminist, communist, vegan types you only have a few weeks to be rid of them. Otherwise your business, everyone in it, and then society as a whole will implode and we’ll all die horribly.

No pressure, then, but do act swiftly to ensure employees represent the very personification of perfection itself: a bland, boring, conservative dress code that removed any sense of individuality.

When the humble, protruding nose is adorned by a shirt, suit, and tie, then it is when it is no longer a burden on capital.