Are you SICK TO DEATH of fast food culture and the urgency behind that junk?!? Then mosey on down to Slow Food Café, where all our waiters are lazy as all hell and the head chef has a gammy leg!
This ensures every meal delivered to you is slow, protracted, aggravating, and tedious. We’re the antithesis of fast food and we make sure you can sit awkwardly at your dining table, forced into polite chitchat with whomever is with you.
Oh yeah, and we serve beer. It’s £30 a pint and takes 10 minutes to get to you.
Slow Food, Slow Pints, Raging Indignation
“Efficiency is a violent disruption of your ingredients and their, respective, journeys. That is why we don’t do efficiency. We’re incompetent and that’s a GRATE thing. Pun intended.” Jeff McSloth, CEO of Slow Food Café
Think of this way—the longer we make you wait, the longer the food absorbs the very essence of the kitchen and dining area. This atmospheric inculcation imbues your foodstuffs with the likes of:
- Bacteria
- Dust
- The odd fly crawling all over it
- Errant sneezes
Flavour. Flavour! For good things come to those who are overweight. As the longer we make you wait, the more hungry and enraged you’ll get, but ultimately be more delighted when your food arrives.
Linger’s Slow Burner Menu Highlights
This is our menu. Don’t like it? Then don’t eat here then, you ungrateful swine:
- Sloth Salad
- Glacial Water
- Tardy Toast
- Unhurried Onions
- Sluggish Soup of the Day
- Creeping Ice Cream
- Snail-Paced Semolina
- Lagging Lamb Roast
- Dithering Dal
- Protracted Pub Grub
The list goes on. Basically, our menu is shaped by wordplay that’s influenced by foods we can cook in a really, really, really slow way. Toast takes several hours, for example, and the glacial glass of water can take up to a week (it’s delivered to your address long after you’ve left our premises).
The Joys of Artisanal Procrastination
Our waiting staff is trained to avoid eye contact, delay taking your order, and keeping themselves busy folding napkins for many hours (instead of doing real work).
Sticking your hand up, clicking you fingers, and barking “Waiter!” will do sod all here. You will be ignored and if you’ve got a problem with that we’ll just take EVEN LONGER with your order…
After your meal, the bill is also handed to you on hand-calligraphed parchment you’ll need an investigative team to decode. Additionally, the parchment must be allowed to dry for several hours before you see it and decode its mysteries.
Feedback From Our Angry Customers
“Came in for an appetiser and some lunch. Why am I still waiting for my appetiser and lunch!?!!?! Hello!? I’m sitting at the back table on the right I’ve been HERE FOR A MONTH! WTF?! I have a job. I have a family! Where is my goddamn toast started and soup of the day main!?” Andrew McBastard
“By the time the alleged ‘soup of the day’ arrived I’d been sitting so long my legs had seized up with cramps and I was hospitalised with deep vein thrombosis. Demanded my money back. 17 days later, they updated me they WON’T be refunding me. THAT SOUP COST ME FIVE POUNDS! BASTARDS!!!” Harriet McSonofabitch
“I’d been waiting four hours for the Soup of the Day. Eventually I asked the waiter where in the NAME OF GODDAMN HELL the soup was! He pointed at a sundial on the pavement outside the cafe and… and… and I lost my shit. I smashed a fist on the table and shouted ‘THIS IS AN OUTRAGE’ and then I was escorted from the premises.” Jane McBadall
“Stopped in for a black coffee with 17 sugars, 13 squirts of caramel, and 10 squirts of cream. After 12 hours, the order came back with 15 sugars, 11 squirts of caramel, and 11 squirts of cream. Sent it back to get my order fixed. 12 days later it came back with 16 sugars, 12 squirts of caramel, and 113 squirts of cream. The cream was overflowing from the beverage! I said to the waiter, ‘I can’t drink that! I asked for TEN squirts of cream, you stupid bastard!’ To make matters worse, I was fired from my job for absenteeism. LEARN TO GET CUSTOMER ORDERS RIGHT!” Beth McOcd
