Mr. Wapojif

Ask Dr. Moron: “What is the safest way to shave my face?” 🪓

How to shave without dying horribly

There comes a time in a young human male’s life when they may (or may not) need to shave their face. This is so the communistic horrors of big beards are staved away to ensure pure, true, glorious traditional values of uptight repression.

Today’s specimen is struggling with how to shave his stupid face safely. Dr. Moron (unqualified, unstable, and lacking unguent) offers his sage advice below.

How Can I Shave My Face Without Dying Horribly?

Please note: We are not medically trained medical professionals and our "advice" is terrible. Do not follow out instructions, avoid all advice, seek actual proper medical professional support.

Dr. Moron,

Today I turned 18 and I decided it was about time I shave for the first time in my life. I’ve not got much of a beard tbh it only comes through in small amounts but I’m 18, so that means I’m a man now (my dad kept telling me that) so I needed to shave off the small clutter of the stuff off my face.

I weren’t sure what to do tbh no one has ever taught me so I decided to slather my face with:

  • Soap
  • Shaving cream foam
  • Shampoo
  • Mum’s leg waxing stuff she uses
  • Toothpaste
  • Eye drops
  • Toilet Duck
  • Bonjela
  • Sudocrem
  • Tiger balm

With that lot on my face I rubbed it in for a good 20 minutes so it formed a kind of slimy paste to let my face marinate a bit before the big shave. Dad uses one of those old fashioned cutthroat razer shaver things like you see in old movies. I got that (seemed to me the most manly thing I could use) and began slicing at my face.

I did that for the next 10 minutes. Eventually, what with all the blood and everything, my dad had to drive me to the hospital and we finished the shave there. However, I did about 76% of my first shave all by myself!

I’m immensely proud of that. Immensely. Even if dad keeps calling me a “fuck nut” and other swear words. Whatever. I’ve come-of-age and this is my story. For my next shave, once the stitches have healed and been removed, I’ve been instructed to just use shaving cream. I’ll do that and add some leg wax and Bonjela in as well, what do you reckon?

Cheers,

Derek

Hi there, Derek. Just the shaving cream, some leg wax, and Bonjela is a good strategy. However, based on our extensive history of shaving, we can also recommend an oft-forgotten secret ingredient.

Houmous.

Our very own esteemed editor and unqualified neurosurgeon, Dr. Wapojif, slathers a tub of humous on his face prior to each shave. He swears by this process and believes it to be:

“The only true form of male facial beard shaving, everything else is a sham and disgusts me to my very core.”

Shaving implements we also recommend, as opposed to the dangerous cutthroat razor you used, include, but aren’t limited to:

  • Chainsaws
  • Hedge trimmers
  • Combine harvesters

That’s if you really want to get that clean shave right down to the jawline for the ultimate in manly traditional values based on bizarre facial hair repression.

15 comments

  1. Young adults faced with real grooming problems might be better off seeking counseling before attempting any of the necessary procedures as mentioned above . If this is not an option I suggest this young man try Crisco, about a cup should help.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Insert Witticisms Below

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.