Embrace the relaxing joys of baked beans at Beetments, the beet-based beauty spa for people sick to goddamn death of BORING traditional old treatment places.
While some of our customers have complained about our “disturbing” and “weird” marketing materials (see above), we put it to you that there is nothing “disturbing” or “weird” about baked beans.
Splendiferous magnificence does not even come close to defining the dramatic, spectacular, sensational nature of our baked beans spa treatments. Book in today for the experience of a lifetime, or your baked beans back.
Beetments’ Treatments: From Baked Beans Scrubs to Scalp Massages (with beans)
Check out our astonishing range of jaw-dropping spa packages, with our facility situated next to one of the busiest sections of the M62 motorway near Hull.
Like any health spa worth its salt, we offer our customers the most relaxing baked beans-based experience you’ll ever… experience. All to the endlessly looping, beautiful sounds of Heinz Baked Beans from The Who Sell Out concept album. INCLUDING:
- Full body massage with baked beans
- Baked beans baths
- Baked beans body scrubs
- Scalp massages (with baked beans)
- Baked beans-based aromatherapy
- Manicures and pedicures
- Chiropractor (the smashing of limbs with tins of beans)
And much more! INCLUDING:
- Baked beans body wraps
- Body polishes (with beans!)
- Back, neck, and shoulder massages
- Rhassoul and mud/baked beans treatments
Even if you just want to turn up and have our masseuse Siegfried pelt you with beans, we’ll do that.
And now, probably because all this mentioning of baked beans is triggering Google’s SEO anti-spam quality guidelines, we’d better try to move onto something non-baked beans related.
💖🥫 Customer Reviews: Our Clients Just LOVE Visiting Our Health Spa 💖🥫
“What the hell!? I turned up and this guy called Siegfried started rubbing beans into my scalp. I told him to sod off, but then he jammed beans between my toes! I was about to kick him in the testicles, but the baked beans goop overwhelmed my very being and I was cocooned like in that 1986 James Cameron film Aliens where all the terraformers are cocooned and dead because of the xenomorphs. Like that. Just with baked beans.” Jane, 29, Hull
“Was laying on a massage table when this ripped, muscly guy called Siegfried walked in and went, ‘Hallo. I are here to rub baked beans into your forehead, ja?’ I panicked and fled the building. Worth £150? Probably not.” Lucy, 18, Hull
“They’res this goddamn weirdo called Siegfried… body of 70s era Arnold Schwarzenegger, a face like an slapped arse. The pervert has some wierd baked beans fetish… guess I should have figured that what with going to a Baked Beans health spa. Don’t waist your money. Go to Disneyworld instead.” Barbara, 65, Hull
“Really don’t get this. You turn up, the receptionist is all lovely and sweet and nice. Then you get taken in the back for a baked beans body scrub and it’s just plain wrong. Think about it. You eat baked beans. Beans on toast! But this!? It made me feel ill. I left, went to the local pub, and downed seven pints of cheap lager to get over the ordeal. Not telling me mates about this one me. There’ll think I’m woke. I’m not woke! I’m tough as nails… I just had a moment of weakness is all.” Jeff, 59, Hull
