As it’s the Christmas period, some husbands out there having been busy buying thoughtful presents. Others have been busy buying thoughtless presents… for themselves.

Take today’s braindead halfwit whose long-suffering wife must now deal with the honking consequences. That’s because her dimwit of a human male went and bought himself a pet goose for Christmas. Honk!

Husband’s Goose Purchase Causes Familial Chaos

Dear agony aunt,

This Christmas was supposed to be a time of unbridled joy and merriment, but this was all curtailed by my dumbass of a husband Connor buying himself a pet goose. I knew something was up on Christmas Eve because I could hear constant honking noises and his roars of agony (turns out this was him trying to “wrap” the goose for himself, only to be savaged by the poor thing).

Anyway, on Christmas Day before letting the kids or me open our presents, he introduced the goose. It’s a Branta (black goose) and is a regal looking thing. He’s called the goose Harold.

Upon sighting the rest of the family, Harold went ballistic! He started honking like crazy, flapped his massive wings, and charged me. I had to throw my bucks fizz into its beaky face and scarper, but the thing chased me out of the living room and into the kitchen. Once into the kitchen it saw the mince pies, charged them, and devoured as many as it could. For the next two hours, Harold proceeded to defecate wherever he pleased.

I was hysterical about this, but Connor thought it was all hilarious.

He ignored my pleas to return the goose back to wherever he’d got it, but he waved me off because he wanted to take Connor down to the local “boozer” and introduce him to “the lads”. He did this and to my shock the landlord had loved it and encouraged Harold to come back!

For the first night at home, Harold honked incessantly from 1am through to 6am until we gave him some bread. He loves my husband but hisses aggressively at me whenever I enter the room. We’ve had the beast for five days and I’m left cowering in the utility closet in terror to so much as get some instant noodles for lunch.

This morning I tried to go to the bathroom for a shower, but Harold was in the bath floating around on the water. My husband had run the bird a bath! Why does he never do that for me!? We’ve been married for 10 years and this is the most thoughtless, inconsiderate, idiotic thing he’s even done… but he thinks it’s great!

The other thing is the damn bird JUST WON’T STOP HONKING! It’s 24/7.

I’ve also found out, from the local police, Connor drunkenly stole the goose one night. I’ve seen the CCTV footage. He clambered over a fence into a park at 1am, enticed the bird out with kebab, and bungled it into our home. I’m extremely disappointed in his behaviour! The police have visited and insisted the bird is returned to the local pond, but Connor says he’s willing to face jail time in order to keep Harold!

This is… I’m at a loss. Suggestions, or immediate divorce?!

Kind regards, Zarah

Hi there, Zarah! Well, that’s probably grounds for hobbling and divorce right there, but do perhaps fight for your husband’s corner. Whilst an uncontrollable and angry goose may, initially seem like a difficult addition to your household, consider also the long-term benefits. These include:

• A free alarm bell
• Stand out in your generic neighbourhood
• Keeps your husband occupied

That last point is highly important, as husbands are prone to spells of delusions and boredom. Harold the goose will prove an effective distraction as you steer your marriage back onto the right track.

For the good of your kids, Zarah, the occasional mauling from a Branta goose is well worth it.

Trust us. We’ve been there. Okay, well, we haven’t been there, but we can at least imagine the scenario and we generally think you’re overreacting a tad.👍