It’s that time of year again where we’re cutting corners to create “content”. And this is what you’ve all been asking for. It’s Christmas. Santa is drunk. And you need to prep your shotgun to scare away carol singers…

Christmas Carols and UPFs

BUT! It doesn’t stop there, as if you focus in on UPFs then you can sharpen up some legendary Christmas singing classics to make them about brutal chemicals that cause all manner of weird things. Puts you into the seasonal spirit, eh? Here’s a big old list. Pick your favourite and sing, sing, sing.

Hark! The Sodium Benzoate Sings

Hark! Where would we all be without good old sodium benzoate?! Probably a lot more healthy, that’s where.

God Rest Ye Merry Dipotassium Phosphate

Dipotassium phosphate may be tricky to reel off when you’ve had a few too many sherry beverages, but for the sober family members this Christmas the song is a belter. Right up there with Prodigy’s classic Firestarter.

Gut Rot Ye Merry Dipotassium Phosphate

We’ve heard many Christmas carol organisations have banned this one due to it being too “misanthropic”.

Joy to the World, the Mono and Diglycerides are Swirled

Indeed they are swirled! Is it joyous? Depends how much you think chronic inflammation of internal organs brings “joy” for peeps. Probably not that much, when you think about it.

Deck the Halls with Calcium Propionate

This one includes the CLASSIC little chorus but sung by everyone in cheerful fashion, frothing at the mouth, with spittle flying everywhere due to chemical intoxication:

Fa la la la laaa,
La laaa laaa laauurrghhhh…

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Tertiary Butylhydroquinone Smells

It does smell. Bleach smells, too, but it keeps the place clean. Don’t forget to carry buckets full of the stuff around with you when you’re doing your singing duties.

We Wish You a Merry Butylated Hydroxyanisole-mas

To be honest, we don’t know what butylated hydroxyanisole is. But it sure sounds Christmassy and we think that should be celebrated (💃🥳🎊🎉) with this beautiful song.

O Come, All Ye Faithful, and Taste the Artificial Plateful

This was just rhymed, that’s why we included it. Wordplay.

It Came Upon a Midnight, Monosodium Glutamate Year

Indeed it did come upon a midnight, monosodium glutamate year. Don’t you forget that. It’s important for Boxing Day when you need to punch some annoying relatives.

And finally…
O Little Town of High Fructose Corn Syrup

This catchy little number will be sung far and wide by many good folks this Xmas. Really puts a spring in your step, doesn’t it? Well, until the type II diabetes diagnosis that is… HO HO HO!!!🎅