Some human males get it into their brains that using an umbrella isn’t manly. That wandering around in rural/urban environments getting soaking wet is a sign of masculinity. That using an umbrella emasculates the human male and makes them a WUSS.

They’re 100% correct, OF COURSE, and we’re here today to put a human female in her place. Umbrellas have no place in civilizes society! They’re communist, woke, and they make us nauseous just thinking about them.

How Umbrellas Emasculate Husbands (and other men)

Dear agony,

My husband, Jeff, is a grown adult of 39 and he REFUSES to use an umbrella. We’ve been married a year and I got him an umbrella last month because he kept wandering around outside in the rain. I was wondering why he was doing this, but he revealed it’s so he looks “manly”.

He thinks walking about outside when it rains, getting sopping wet, makes him an alpha male…

So I got him an umbrella. The moment he saw the umbrella he turned very pale, then bright red, then pale again. Trembling, he pointed a finger at me and wailed, “TAKE THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!” And he punched a fist against a wall. I was shocked and didn’t react. “WELL!?!” He roared. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t respond. He stormed out in a huff, slammed the door, and went to the pub. He hung out in the pub until it started raining, then came home and started pacing back and forth outside our house in the rain. This was to make a point that he’s a real man.

He refused to come into the house until the umbrella was “destroyed”.

I told him that there are several umbrellas in the house, all mine apart from the one I bought him so he wouldn’t get wet in the rain like a jackass. To prove his manliness, he then ripped his top off and stood there in the rain beating his chest like some stupid ape. I left him to it.

Later that night, when he was in hospital having developed hypothermia and hooked up to a drip and him looking ashen and exhausted, he croaked to me whether the umbrellas were all “destroyed”. I told him “no” and he was once again outraged. He insisted I bring them into the hospital and “burn them to the ground” before his very eyes. Otherwise he’d divorce me.

Blackmail? Kind of, wasn’t it? Anyway, I had no choice… I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Thus, I brought the umbrellas into hospital, poured petrol over them, and ignited them there in the ward. My husband was pleased, but the hospital staff (nurses, doctors, brain surgeons etc.) were not best pleased. In fact, I was arrested. Did I do a bad or something?

And I still think my husband should use an umbrella! It’s childish seeing him drenched in the rain when he could just put a brolly up! What’s crazy about that!? But I need to broach the subject carefully, otherwise I’ll be single.

Yours,

Angela

Hi there, Angela. We must say, your blatant bullying of your husband has been quite enraging to read. It is tacit internal law: NO MAN SHOULD USE AN UMBRELLA. It makes him look like a gay wimp. And there’s nothing worse for man babies than projecting their own insecurities onto everyone else around them like that.

As such, once out on parole, you should go forth into the street, find your nearest umbrella shop, and detonate it. This’ll not only save your marriage, it’ll ensure the men in your community are safe and sound from the hellish, terrifying threat of… using an umbrella in the rain.