Exclusive Recipe: The Balaclava Baklava (fashion & food in one)

Balaclava wearing thief
A balaclava enthusiast in action, no doubt highly enthusiastic about obtaining himself a balaclava baklava.

As we all know, balaclavas are considered something of a risqué fashion statement. They don’t exactly scream amiability and generosity of the spirit. Indeed, if you walk around in the street wearing one, most people will probably think you’re either about to rob a bank, rob a car, rob a convenience store, or you have an aversion to suntans.

This doesn’t have to be the case. Why should the balaclava maintain such negative connotations? Why shouldn’t, say, a normal family of four enjoy a Sunday shop in the local supermarket whilst sporting balaclavas? Exactly, so we’ve decided to improve the public image of the balaclava by turning it into a fashionable product and tasty foodstuff all-in-one.

Balaclava Baklava

If you’re wondering what a baklava is, incidentally, you can see the world’s biggest ever one such foodstuff in the video above. Now you’ve got a taste for this sickly sweet pastry thing, and also a desire to don onto your bonce the balaclava in order to shift those negative public perceptions, let us inform you further of this summer’s hottest fashion trend!

“Hot” is the right word there, too, as not only will you look smoking hot, you’ll be smoking hot as well. Yes, a balaclava isn’t traditional summer wear, but the good news is tussled and greasy hair, along with sweat, are in this year! Although the baklavas will attract local wildlife, namely in the form of bees, wasps, and some birds (seagulls etc.).

The product is made out of the finest ingredients available at bargain bin price. These are then made into individual balaclavas, which are stitched together by hand by our talented staff at the Professional Moron office. Roughly 100 baklavas go into making the balaclava baklava – we must state, it definitely makes for the most beautiful balaclava the world has ever seen.

It’s also aesthetically pleasing! If you’re intending, or planning, to rob a bank, then this product will certainly create a more nonchalant exterior appearance. Let’s face it, anyone in a standard black balaclava looks like a hooligan, but this more elegant option won’t turn heads, cause whispers of dismay, and cries of panic the moment you enter a property.

Wearing the Balaclava Baklava

Getting this SOB onto your skull is a different matter. As the product isn’t overly pliable, there’s a great deal of straining, exertion, grunting, scraping, baklava bits dropping off, and cries of anguish before this thing is resting over your skull. It’s quite rigid, in other words, and the baklava pieces will scratch at your face something rotten!

Once it’s on, however, my word will you look like a princess (or prince – whatever takes your fancy). The baklava pieces shine like exquisite jewellery and will turn heads wherever you go. We should know – our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, trial ran the product here in sunny Manchester. Asides from being called a “poofter”, “bent pervert”, and a “stupid ****ing piece of ****”, he received many admiring glances from ladies (it was either admiration or dismay – Mr. Wapojif often gets confused with discerning those emotions).

Be warned, however, of the aforementioned local wildlife. As soon as a score of wasps and copious bees caught the whiff of honey-based, gooey baklava delights, they refused to leave the balaclava baklava alone and became quite belligerent when wafted away by an outraged Mr. Wapojif. Needless to say, he returned to the office covered in stings and dribbling slightly. This was on Monday – he’s not said a word since. This is proof of the astonishing brilliance of the balaclava baklava!


  1. I gained a stone watching that baklava video, thank you very much for the excess weight! One of your stickiest inventions to date, I worry about my hair should I done one. Hmm, perhaps I could use it for waxing my legs?


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