Some human males don’t understand their own strength. This can lead to doors, in otherwise peaceful homes, slamming shut with a kaboom!

It’s a common anger outlet tactic, as a good old-fashioned slammed door indicates to another person the door slammer is not in the best of moods.

If this is happening consistently, though, then you may well face noise pollution threats from angry neighbours—who’ll also start slamming doors in fits of rage.

The resultant en masse door slamming in neighbourhoods can lead to buildings collapsing and/or civil war. As such, we’re here to address the issue before another door is slammed.

Husbands and Door Slamming: How to Intervene Before Carnage Erupts

Agony aunt,

My head is pounding and my ears are ringing. Have I been hit around the head with a cricket bat? No. It’s because my husband keeps slamming doors shut! All of them! And I’ve counted. We have 10 doors in our home and he slams each one of them shut with a manly grunt. If we have an argument (and we have MANY) then he slams the doors EXTRA LOUD with some swear word or something (he usually calls me a “strumpet” when he’s cross) that he yells when he slams the door. He’s slammed so many doors the foundations of our house have broken up a bit and our lovely home is listing heavily to the right. I fear at the next slammed door the whole place is going to collapse around us!

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE! IS IT!?

Because I’m so jittery about all this it also means I now have a tendency to close doors with more force than perhaps I would have previously in the past. This places extra pressure on the infrastructure of our humble abode. At least it’s not like my husband. He slams a door and bits of debris come crashing down and the foundations rumble and judders and it’s so, so scary! I may give up on him, the home, and go and stay at my brother’s place for a bit. That’s a vote of No Confidence in my husband but, truth be told, I’ve grown bored of him in recent years. He’s gone bald, put weight on, and that rippling physique I fell in love with has been replaced by door slamming and a hairy beer gut.

No. This is no way to live. Do you agree, agony aunt? Is it, perhaps, time to hire a hitman to bump him off? Sadly, I see no other way. The kids will miss him, I guess, but what life is it if he continues on this dark and dangerous path? As the old saying goes, “Behind every great man is a litany of slammed doors.”

Kindly forward the details of a hitman service you recommend (I’m sure you get many beleaguered wives requesting this, after all). Or is this a service you run as a side hustle, at all? As you strike me as that kind of dodgy organisation.

Yours with ringing ears,

Melanie (Mel)

Hi there, Melanie! Getting your husband bumped off in this manner IS NOT something we specialise in—what do you take us for, exactly!? We’re an agony aunt service, not a blowing people to smithereens service.

Is hiring a hitman really the path you want to take? Can’t you just divorce him? Is it really necessary to gun him down with a bazooka as he goes, “Omg, like, arggggh I’m doomed!” the moment before the bazooka shell wallops him one?

Instead, you could just slam a door on his ankle or something and he’d go, “Ow, ow, ow, ow! That bleedin’ well hurt! Okay, I’m now a reformed man and have seen the light. My door slamming days are behind me! From now on, only considerate quiet door closing for me, snuggums.”

Something to mull over there instead of taking more, shall we say, demented plans into your own hands.

As for your disintegrating home… for the love of God, woman, just hire some builders. Slamming doors shouldn’t be enough to rupture your foundations! Either move to a new address or spruce up your property. All the best!