We all want to keep fit, but whether or not we can be bothered is a major issue for most normal people. Some are blessed with a high-metabolism – no matter what they eat they remain in fabulous shape. Others hit the gym with a narcissistic vengeance and keep themselves as trim as Olympic athletes. The rest of the world hates these people, and many struggle with their weight for a lifetime. So here, in vivid form, is a list of excellent exercises you can do to knock off some extra pounds!
(NB: Professional Moron would like to indicate these exercises could be very bad for your health indeed and it would be best advised you did not practice them at all.)
The Houmous Dance: Houmous is great; it’s reasonably healthy and tastes like a kind of mix between chilled porridge and rice pudding, but the taste is actually those things. What are they called? Chick peas. So, to celebrate this brilliant dip, you should do The Houmous Dance.
This involves getting a pot of houmous, taking the lid off, obtaining a spoon, and then begin prancing about a room stuffing the houmous into your mouth. The exercise ends when you either; fall over and severely badly injure yourself, vomit, black out in sheer terror, or finish the pot of houmous. All of these usually occur within two minutes of the commencement of the dance.
Calories lost: About 5.
Weight gained: Homous is quite high in fat, so probably a fair bit.
Endorphins released: What?
Pickled Push-ups: This is fairly simple; you have to selotape pickled gherkins all over your body and perform as many push-ups as you can until you either pass out or your arms implode. Either way the result will leave you psychologically traumatised and you will, subsequently, never eat pickled gherkins again. Please note – this only works if you are eating too many pickled gherkins.
Calories lost: Maybe 100.
Weight gained: Muscle weight! All good, if you’re trying to beef up!
Tennis Elbow: No.
Sausage Sit-Ups: Purchase as many sausages as you can (at least 100) and lie them out on the floor. Lie on top of them and perform as many sit-ups on the sausages as possible. When you have finished you will need to clear up the resulting sausage mess. This will burn off additional calories, thus making the endeavour worthwhile.
Calories lost: Maybe 200!
Weight gained: Probably not!
Sprained ankle: Only if you slip on the sausage mush.
Jam Jar Hell: If you are particularly weak, head out and purchase a lot of jam jars (around 300) and then head home. Now, steel your inner strength and begin opening the jam jars. Your exercise sessions ends when your self-loathing reaching such a peak that you collapse in a heap of tears.
Calories lost: Many.
Weight gained: Not unless you succumb to jam consumption (NB: Do not succumb to consuming the jam).
Tuberculosis: Probably not.