Most of us have been in a situation where we have to engage the DAMN proles in arbitrary pleasantries. Taxi drivers are much the same, although hair dressers can be just as bad. “’ow were yer ‘olidays?!?” is a pretty tedious example of this. But, lo, today we provide solutions to this small talking lunacy. In the case of a hairdresser just simply grin and reel of, “I didn’t go on holiday as I’ve only just been released on parole. My crime? Cementing my eyelids to other human beings. HAHAHAHAHA!” or, “We went to Ibiza and I shattered my limbs when drunk. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Taxi drivers pose a greater problem, however, as social adherence suggests you must engage the driver with soothing platitudes. And why? As he’s driving the vehicle, this is why! Should he take a disliking to you he would quite happily drive you, the vehicle, and himself off the edge of a cliff in order to nullify your sense of superiority. I say! To avoid this fateful fate we, the Professional Moron staff, have come up with the useful bunch of questions, topics, and protracted answers in order to keep your limbs where they belong. Onward, seafarer!
Keep The Driver Entertained!
“Yo, taxi driver! I bet that you didn’t know every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie!” Here you are making the cab driver aware of the potential for morbid obesity in his line of work. This is generous and thoughtful behaviour on your part, as well as informative. Most people are counting their calories, but now a taxi driver knows he must limit the amount of stamps he becomes intimate with.
“Hey taxi driver! Did you know more people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes?” This is to put the driver at ease over any impending aeroplane journeys he or his relatives may have booked. You are also alerting him of the oft forgotten danger posed by the donkeys of the world. Professional Moron has always supported the anti-Killer Invading Donkey movement and we would like to take this moment to remind you all to be wary of them this Christmas. Typically they travel in groups of up to 40 donkeys and can be identified by their pealing roar of “EEEeooorr!”.
“Good evening dear cab driver, I would like to disseminate some information one recently happened upon. Behold my statement of authentication; a ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!” Your didactic sense of purpose here is vital. The cabbie will be amazed to learn his use of the word “jiffy” through has life has indeed be further than just a figure of speech. Indeed, he has been making scientific sense all these years. Thusly he will be less inclined to crush all within his vehicle to smithereens.
Conversations The Taxi Driver Could Ask YOU!
“What do you do then, mate?” Note the taxi driver will refer to you as “mate” irrespective of your sex, so don’t take offense at this. Indeed, the taxi driver will display some interest in your profession as, you know, it’s a conversation point. You can do a number of things here, such as start crying bitterly. This is an extremely good option as it helps quieten him up. For added effect keep onions in your pockets, or carry around a pepper spray to use on yourself when the moment demands.
“That’ll be three hundred quid, mate.” Yes, taxis in England are ridiculously expensive. Especially in London. Why, a 10 minute taxi journey will more than likely cost you a good few thousand pounds. Best off sticking with the perpetually delayed, cramped, dingy, smelly, prone to severe delays, and packed underground or buses.
“Cold isn’t it, mate?” This is a popular one as far as English pleasantries go. You can concur with the driver at this point, but supply him with some enigmatic, deeply perturbing revelation about your private life; “Indeed, it is very chilly. In fact, it’s as cold as the jaded remnants of my black, shrivelled heart within my exsanguinated soul.” This is almost guaranteed to promote silence within the vehicle, however if it fails there is a technique Mr. Wapojif has found useful. “WHAT IS IT?!??!” you politely enquire. Whenever he asks you anything just say some classic film quote until he gets deeply confused:
“Cold isn’t it, mate?” – “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…”
“What do you do, mate?” – “I’ll have what she’s having.”
“Did you watch the game last night, mate?” – “I see dead people.”
“Where you going to, mate?” – “You want the truth!?! You can’t handle the truth!”
“Do you want a receipt, mate?” – “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.”