Today good Dr. Wapojif is on hand to assist with an unusual situation. A man with an odd situation. A situation one could consider dire. The good news? We’re on hand to help this poor bugger.

Is It Gout or Rabies, Doctor?

Disclaimer: Our medical advice is terrible. Do not pay attention to it.

Dear Dr. Moron. This week I've been stricken down with a most weird situation. On the one hand, I'm pretty sure I have gout. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I have rabies. But I can't tell which one it is! Here are some of the symptoms:

- I've been frothing at the mouth, although this may be because I've been shouting a lot, thus causing spittle to fly everywhere. 
- My right ankle has swollen painfully, possibly due to the buildup of uric acid in my blood. Or because I sprained my ankle while climbing into my limo yesterday. 
- I was bitten by several bats after I visited a bat sanctuary last summer. I figure the lingering effect may now be kicking in. 
- I've been very angry and abusive towards people of late, with delusional outbursts, more frothing at the mouth, and that sort of thing. Although this may be due to the pain of gout and/or due to my ongoing cocaine addiction. 

So, doc, what do you think? Give me your verdict. Thanks, John

Hello, John. There is, in fact, a mathematical formula for determining this malady. Behold:

• Gout ÷ rabies × scurvy π the common cold = gout or rabies

That should clear up the matter. However, we must indicate that rabies is a medical condition of some concern.

As such, it may be wise to travel to a building where there are medical people. You know, like brain surgeons and all that.

What’s the word? A pawn shop. That’s it. So, take yourself to a pawn shop and declare to the patron you believe you have rabies (or gout) and get him to perform a lobotomy.

However, if you have gout then you’ll just have to stop drinking so much cocaine.

We appreciate this may be a disappointing lifestyle development, but you can mitigate the aforementioned disappointment by taking up:

• Heroin
• Tobacco
• Chewing tobacco
• Litres of melted ice cream
• Surfing
• Occult practices
• Knickerbocker glories
• Cheese

Do note, if you do have gout then several of the items listed above will merely make your gout worse.

It’s a tricky situation this lifestyle stuff, isn’t it? There’s manic, uncontrolled excess, or a life of sitting about nibbling on celery. How do you balance one over the other?

Well, if you don’t want gout then celery is a good option.

If you don’t want rabies, then don’t hang around with so many bats. Also, if it is rabies, be sure to have an aspirin. That may (or may not) help.

Professional Moron’s Cure-All Tablets

On a final note, we’re plugging an upcoming cure-all tablet we’re working on. Just one of these a day will provide:

• 400% of your daily vitamin C recommendation.
• 400% of your daily vitamin A recommendation.
• 1% of your daily vitamin B recommendation.
• Inoculations for scurvy, gout, rabies, gangrene, athlete’s foot, and hernia.

This black market product will be available from Q1 2021.

It’s £10 a tablet, thusly making it the first mass-produced cure-all the masses can afford (except for poor people, but then they’re just stupid and lazy so it’s their fault etc.).

Therefore, if you have a bout of gout, or a rearing of rabies, sign up to our beta model. It’ll probably make you feel better.