Stuff Worse Than Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher’s Spitting Image caricature.

So Margaret Thatcher (Prime Minister of England from 1979 – 1990) has died of a stroke today and there are many jubilant messages on social media networks. Although Mr. Wapojif was born in 1984 he doesn’t recall any of her reign as PM. Indeed, John Major was the first one he has any memory of; he was grey in general. In voice and personality. He made England look about as forward moving as the Titanic. As in not going anywhere. At all. Ever. And why? As it’s at the bottom of the ocean floor. This is my overriding opinion of the man, anyway.

Still, The Iron Lady caused lots of suffering for millions of people with her aggressive policies and strange hair. She also had a funny voice. With all this in mind it’s easy to forget some things are really much worse than Margaret Thatcher and her billowing blouses. So, despite the euphoria many are clearly feeling at her sudden demise today at the age of 87, we’re here to remind you of stuff which really should be feared more than a crotchety politician from yesteryear. Checkit, geez.

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Mobile Phones

"Need more arms!"
“Need… more… arms!”

Mr. Wapojif, at the tender age of 28, has rejected his peers and ditched any need to own an upmarket phone. Indeed, the only reason he owns one at all is due to work reasons. He marvels at the sad saps who sit on public transport, transfixed with their mobile disco social-o’meter. Now forgive us if you own an iPhone or Blackberry or whatever, but the chances are you haven’t noticed what an ill mannered goon you’ve become. Have you started answering your phone midway through conversations with people? Do you constantly text friends when at a restaurant on a date? Do you feel the need to take pictures of your food and load it all up online? Then, sir/madam, you have been infected with the Cure Of The Mobile Phone. The cure? When you sit down on the bus/in a restaurant/on the bog use your BRAIN to think of stuff.

A Sprained Ankle

"Tenderly wrap the soldier's sprained ankle thus saving him pain. Then, plunge the detonating device and decapitate an innocent child!"
“Tenderly wrap the soldier’s sprained ankle, thus saving him from undue pain. Then, plunge the detonating device and decapitate an innocent child!”

Getting a sprained ankle is kind of like going to the fridge freezer to get an ice lolly, but then when you try and eat the lolly your tongue gets stuck to it, and when you try and wrench yourself free you decapitate your hand from your wrist. Nightmare. With this legendary ankle injury, first of all you have the initial searing agony, and then you have the inability to walk about for numerous days. Annoying? You better you bet. Your foot also swells up like something from out of a horror movie, too.

Ignorant Smokers Blasting Smoke Into Your Face

Blasting away Commies whilst inhaling smoke from the motherland? Oohh say can you SEEEE...
Blasting away Commies whilst inhaling smoke from the motherland? Oohh say can you SEEEE…

As a staunch non-smoker here at Professional Moron, Mr. Wapojif is utterly disgusted when smokers breathe out their disgusting tobacco sticks into his face. This can be when walking along in the city, or waiting at the bus, or when he’s in his flat at home (the smoke drifts on in… slowly). You disgusting bastards are so selfish it doesn’t even occur to you this is an issue, so much are you wrapped up in your pathetic little world of wheezing cough, lung cancer, and high blood pressure. Up yours!

Rap Music and Chavs

"Wot duh fuck our yew lookin' at?!?!? You startin'?!"
“Wot duh fuck our yew lookin’ at?!?!? You startin’?!”

This curse on existence doesn’t even really need us to lay into it. Just listen. It’s awful. Misogynistic posturing, every song sounds the same, tedious, dull, insipid and, worst of all, English Chavs have taken it up as their “anthem”. Now they can pretend to be hard done by youths who need to fight for the wars on the streets. The result? Nationwide riots in 2011, the worst hitting London. Make no mistake; 90% of this lot was Chav lead. Oh dearie me…

Arigata-meiwaku

Koinobori in Japan, which are often blasted through the wind around Children's Day on May 5th.
Koinobori in Japan, which are often blasted through the wind around Children’s Day on May 5th.

This term from Japan (Nippon) translates roughly to English as “unwelcome kindness”, but it can be more accurately described as; “An act someone does for you that you didn’t want to have them do and tried to avoid having them do, but they went ahead anyway, determined to do you a favour, and then things went wrong and caused you a lot of trouble, yet in the end social conventions required you to express gratitude.” See. This is bad.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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