We’re English here at Professional Moron and we thought it was about thyme we taught you lot about the ins-and-outs of the more archaic ways of life here. We’re not patriots (in fact we DESPISE many areas of contemporary British life – the Monarchy being one of them), let’s start off by stating that, but there are certain things we do enjoy about living here. Thusly we have decided t’would be a most splendiferous occasion if we proffered up to thee all what it takes to be a true Brit. “Oh yeah, you limey barstards, what makes YOU the experts on such matters!?!?” you might chortle. Simples; we’ve lived here for 28 years. You haven’t.

SO! What does it take to be Archaic British? Well dialect, tea, Stiff Upper Lip Reserve, certain sayings, terminology, lexicon, a fundamental grasp of phonetics, several degrees in English, and you have to have read at least one of Shakespeare’s plays. It won’t be easy, but it won’t be difficult, either. Onwards, comrades, for the best of English Hoo Hah!

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Mannerisms and Dress

Whilst most English folk these days are more likely to go on a nationwide riot than bother saying “please” or “thank you”, it is wise to appreciate the remaining 1% of the population who maintain contact with sanity, and will kotwow to the converse of polite society. You can behold such behaviour in the following clip:

You see, even if the King of England is losing his marbles one most remain as poised and glorious as a daffodil. What what. Also, as you may have noticed, we tend to dress like peacocks. Indeed, flamboyant wigs… flamboyant everything, really. Anything goes in the UK.

Stiff Upper Lip

Your legs are on fire and there’s a walrus charging you down with bloody murder in its eyes – you’re done for. Still, this isn’t a time to panic! Merely nonchalantly remark, “I say, old bean, I’m in a spot of bother!” and all will be well. This is how one does the whole Stiff Upper Lip stuff. I can refer you, incidentally, to Captain Scott’s diaries for his fateful voyage to the South Pole in 1912 for further reading, as well as George Orwell’s books, such as Down and Out in Paris and London. One can really grasp the whole concept of British Stiff Upper Lip through these travails.

The Lingo

We shall refer you to this trailer for advice on how to behave in good old Blighty these days.

As you may have noticed, modern Britain has descended somewhat into drunken debauchery. However, it’s not too difficult to grasp. Stuffing “what what” at the end of sentences is a superb way to appear British, what what. As is adding in “sir”, for no apparent reason. Behold; “Good day, sir!” Or “madam” if it’s a woman, of course. You can also sling in “by jove”, “rather!!”, “I say, old bean”, and “Anyone for a sport of tennis?”.

Sport

To fully immerse yourself into the British way of things you’re going to need to take up cricket, golf, football, and croquet. For a guide about how to go about it, behold thusly this video:

As you have observed, everyone involved in sport must adopt a very upper class pronunciation (indeed, working class scumbag proles are banned from playing any sports, except boxing and darts) in keeping with the Stiff Upper Lip behaviour already mentioned. Stick to to remarkable good cheer and you’ll be winning Wimbledon in no time. What what.

And finally…

Food and Drink

British people mainly eat Fish & Chips whilst sipping at PG tips. This is a well known fact. However, on rare occasions the Brits are also know to indulge in Black Pudding (dried pigs blood), Haggis (the heart, lungs, liver, spleen, kidneys etc. of a sheep boiled in its stomach), McDonald’s (preservative crammed food with high salt, sugar, and fat content), and we also drink a lot of lager. As a result of this appalling diet, most Brits have a pallid complexion, terrible acne, wonky teeth (due to the onset of scurvy), and horrific body odour issues.