The Lost Art Of Eating A Pomegranate

Beware the Pomegrante. ‘Tis but an evil beast, ’tis.

Pomegranates are the most dangerously difficult fruit on planet Earth. Why, in 2013 alone there were 17,012 incidents of injury and/or severe annoyance during the consumption of the delicacy. First, let’s start with the basics. A pomegranate is a very tasty, and healthy, food product one grows on trees. When ripe they look much like they do in the picture on the right, and have a sharp and zesty taste. However, the things are a catalogue of swear words to eat! Apparently, as statistics show, 9 in 10 people give up on their pomegranate endeavour within 3 minutes of attempted consumption. Many also have to head orf (The Queen’s English) for PTSD counselling in order to overcome the ordeal. Indeed, trying to get at the pomegranate “seeds” (the bits you eat) is kind of like attempting to scale Mount Everest with only ONE bar of Kendal Mint Cake. It just can’t be done, sir! With this in mind we at Professional Moron have prepared for you, our stupid readers, the official guide on getting into a pomegranate. Hold onto your butts, fellow Morons, this may be a rough one. Here we go:

Implements you will need; a meat cleaver or chainsaw, a Hazmat Suit, several expendable items of clothing, and more determination than Captain Scott and his 1912 Arctic Expedition troupe. British stiff upper lip may also be required. Once ready, put on the Hazmat Suit and rev/wield the chainsaw/meat cleaver. With the pomegrante placed delicately on a solid resting point, proceed to thrash wildly towards the fruit. Continue this berserk onslaught for around 30 seconds, during which time you should let forth with an almightily suitable war scream; “YAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!” would probably do it. Once completed the pomegranate should be edible. Scoop up whatever’s left and place it neatly into a bowl; if this has been a dinner party, for instance, you may also want to explain to terrified guests about your actions. Do so whilst they enjoy the shredded remnants of those dastardly pomegranate seeds, and later update your social media accounts with tales of your pomegranate confronting bravery. Indeed, Mr. Wapojif expects to be knighted in the New Year’s Honours List 2014 for his breakthrough concept. Sir Mr. Wapojif. It has a good ring to it, yes? Yes.

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