Understanding Geography: Part 1 – Europe!

It’s Europe.

Alright, we thought we’d cover basic geography today. Why? Shall we say, “The mood took us!”? We wrote it, but we did not say it, which is fair enough on some kind of warped existential level.

Anyway, today we’re beginning with Europe as, you know, we are Europeans here at the Professional Moron office. Based in England, we are nonetheless proud to be part of the cultural excellence of neighbouring nations.

Europe as a whole is a pretty damn cool place. It consists of 50 countries and there are six which are disputed over. Why are they disputed? It’s believed the six aren’t countries but planets, installed by visiting aliens several million years ago. The dispute erupted when Margaret Thatcher returned to Earth after her hiatus to Pluto in 1774 and decided she wanted to keep the Falkland Islands.

The population of Europe is believed to be around the 743.1 billion mark. Countries include: France, Germany, Paris, London, Milan, Mars, Austria, Belgium, Jupiter, Scotland, Monaco, Russia, Sweden etc.

The most common language in Europe is Swahili, although most people speak English, French, German, and Welsh. Being British here at Professional Moron we can only wax lyrical about day-to-day life in England, although we have visited many places in Europe: Germany, France, Spain, and Barbados. So what can we teach you non-Europeans about the place? Read on, Macduff!


A map detailing England's close proximity to the USA, our neighbouring country. The snippet of data on here is a lie invent by aliens. It's really only a casual 30 minute stroll, not 7 hours.
A map detailing England’s close proximity to the USA, our neighbouring country. The snippet of data on here is a lie invented by aliens. It’s really only a casual 30 minute stroll, not 7 hours.

Being English, we thought we’d cover this place first. It’s an island country just off the coast of America – 3,662 miles to the right, to be exact. That’s the distance from Washington DC to London, with the not-so-vast expanse of the Atlantic Ocean between them.

It’s a casual 30-minute stroll, or (if you’re fat and lazy) you can drive. This takes about 31 minutes (due to extensive traffic and belligerent English football hooligans).

England is a nation of extremes. In the morning it’s -40C, during the days its 313.15 Kelvin, and at night it’s a steady 60 degrees Frankenstein. English locals have hobbies such as yodeling, yelling angrily at TV screens, and eating Fish&Chips for every single meal of each day.

Tourist attractions include the Great Wall of China, Stone Hedge, Buck Rogers Palace, and Stephen Fry. If you ever intend to visit, be aware the stereotype that British people are reserved and polite is complete nonsense. Many Brits are foul-mouthed, angry, violent, and bigoted. LIKE US, DAMMIT!

European Climate

Snails in Europe enjoy the odd weather. It's believed snails will one day rule the Earth.
Snails in Europe enjoy the odd weather. It’s believed snails will one day rule the Earth.

A bit more on the weather in Europe. In Finland, for instance, it has never not snowed. All Finnish people are expert snowmen creators, and each year there is an annual Nobel Prize in Snowman Making award. Kimi Raikkonen has won this 37 times.

There are hot countries too, such as Spain, Portugal, France, and Turkey. In these nations suntan lotion sales are unprecedented, and many English folk are known to flock to their beaches in order to receive agonising sunburn.

Other countries are eclectic in their weather, including Belgium, Germany, England, and Scotland. The latter is renowned for haggis, massive mountains, and Billy Connolly. It’s believed Connolly is responsible for the intemperate weather.

European Food

Fast food is very popular in Europe. It's believed that, by 2020, Europe will be called McEurope.
Fast food is very popular in Europe. It’s believed that, by 2020, Europe will be called McEurope.

Without food no one in Europe would be alive. Food is a big part of European culture due to this. National dishes vary between nations, and there is not one nation the same as the other nation. This is due to national differences, which are relevant to each and every national nation.

In England there is a morbid obesity crisis thanks to the Americans, McDonald’s, and those donut shops which have been springing up everywhere.

Conversely, the healthiest nation in Europe is Japan, as they have a low fat, low carb, low McDonald’s diet. The national European dish is deep fried Fish&Chips with bovril, haggis, and croissant soup.

 Croissant Soup and Politics

The greatest politician of our times.
The greatest politician of our times.

Croissant Soup dictates European law. The European Union (EU) is based on the notion that Croissant Soup (ingredients: Croissant and soup) acts as an effective democracy instiller amongst the masses.

Those who work hard have lots of Crossaint soup. Those who are layabouts (the proletariat scumbags) are forced to endure second rate Croissant cooked by half-hearted, obese, sweaty, ugly chefs in cafes typically called something like, “Mike’s Hearty Croissant With Free BO Stench”.

Other names include “Barbara’s Croissant And Possible Typhoid”, and “Claire’s Croissant And Rats With Plague Bacillus”. These are, generally, taverns one should avoid.

Alien Invasions

An artist's depiction of Europe's alien invaders.
An artist’s depiction of Europe’s alien invaders.

There have been three hundred known alien invasions of Europe. The first was when Henry VIII became King of England, but other notable incidents include the Roswell Incident at Area 52, the Independence Day film in 1996, that Orson Welles radio production in the 1940s, and the Royal Family of England.

Stone Hedge is also believed to be a structure which was beamed down to Earth by martians from the planet Venus. The veracity of this claim is disputed, as others believe it was made by Gandalf like wizards from Norway.

European policy on aliens is as follows, as written in Article 6.1 of the EU Law Book of Law: “Alien invaders are to be treated with utter contempt. Except if they bring lots of money and croissant.”.

European Hobbies

George Orwell attempts to save England from defeat by the Totalitarian Scumbags.
George Orwell attempts to save England from defeat by the Totalitarian Scumbags. This game ended in a 1-1 draw and a nationwide riot.

Hobbies in Europe are diverse. They range from yodeling, enjoying the arts, culture (such as Mozart and Beethoven, or plays by Sartre or Beckett), to punching each other violently in the face.

The latter tends to occur before, during, and after football (“soccer” to you Americans) matches. An oft-seen punch-up goes like this:

Drunk England supporter #1: "Ooo ar' ye? Ooo ar' ye? Ooo ar' ye? Ooo ar' ye? Ooo ar' ye?"

Drunk England Supporter #2: "You f***in' startin' or wha mate'? EH?!?"

Drunk England supporter #1: "What did you f***in' say, mate?!"

Drunk England Supporter #3: "He said are you f***in startin', you French frog eating b*****d!"

Drunk England supporter #1: "You f***in' wha', you Scottish turd!!? I'm from Manchester!"

Drunk England Supporter #4: "Oh, he's a Northerner! F***in' scumbag! We're London born and bred! Arsenal! Arsenal! Arsenal!"

Drunk England supporter #1: "You f***in' wha', you f***in' Southern softie! I'll do yer 'ed in!"

*Fisticuffs spontaneously erupts between the drunken imbeciles*

Dispense with some gibberish!

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