Exclusive Recipe: Mackerel, Honey, and Watermelon Soup!

Fish soup recipe
The joys of mackerel soup are known to this frog.

As fish go, mackerel is pretty ace. There’s a certain pungent necessity about the thing, although these days, sadly, the little darlings are crammed with so much mercury you’d be better off drinking petrol. This is why we’ve come up with our latest soup recipe, which is, essentially, petrol in a bowl!

We’d be the first to admit petrol’s not the type of thing most people enjoy drinking, and normally one wouldn’t associate petrol with mackerel. As we keep going on about petrol, though, we should assert this soup doesn’t have any petrol in it, just the residue of mercury from the mackerel. Gee whizz, we’re really turning this recipe into a bummer, aren’t we?

Luckily there are other ingredients available other than a toxic chemical compound. This is why we’ve decided to imbue our mackerel soup with watermelon and honey. These delicious flavours will complement the fishy mackerel quite marvellously, offering a diversity in tastes to rival foie gras and lobster, beans on toast, or avocado and spaghetti hoops.

To reduce the mercury content we’ve ensured the mackerel we use are raised on a farm. A fish farm, that is, the mackerel aren’t herded about and made to eat grass. They don’t stare vacantly whilst chewing cud, nor do they moo. Rather, we place them on a preservative and pesticide heavy chemical diet, which is sure to reduce you to a dribbling wreck by the time you are 30. If you’re already 30 or over, congratulations! You’ve achieved a significant life milestone!

Mackerel, Honey, and Watermelon soup is one of those life changing recipes which isn’t necessarily going to affect you in a positive way. It takes several months of dedicated practice to overcome feelings of intense nausea and dismay, whilst the aftertaste requires several teeth brushings and a dozen gargling sessions of mouthwash to ensure you’re not nicknamed “Mackerel Breath” by your peers.

These issues aside, it really is rather acceptable once you get used to it! It’ll be available in stores this Christmas at £10 ($30) a gallon.

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