Aggressive Solutions to Pastry’s Self-Esteem Issue Problems

We hate you too, pastry!

Pastry’s great, right? Especially if you want to gain a load of weight! It appears to us, however, pastry has something of an esteem issue crisis going on. Why does pastry try? Why doesn’t it adopt a “can do” attitude? We had a good hard think about this during our lunch break, and concluded the problem with pastry is its pessimistic name. Pastry? Pastcan! Do you see the angle we’re taking here?

Pastry encompasses various types of baked products consisting of the likes of flour, sugar, butter, milk, baking powder, eggs, and occasionally semtex. These can be accumulated to create recipes such as pies, tarts, quiches, pasties, biscuits, and explosive devices. Despite this skillset, pastry still maintains this tedious “try” attitude. If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from life, pastry, it’s you only don’t try if you’re exceptionally lazy or rich. For everyone else, it’s you can, and you do. Innit.

After happening upon this realisation our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, rushed to the streets of Manchester to buy a series of pies, pasties, a cheese and ham quiche, and some gingerbread men. Why? In order to deliver a pep talk. He gathered them in his office and began to parade around the room, berating the inert beings with a specious set of self-improvement maxims he’d read on the internet.

The pastry remained unconvinced. The food stuffs merely sat there staring wildly into the middle distance, neither responding or looking likely to do so. Mr. Wapojif, in dismay at their indifference, threw a temper tantrum and demanded the pastry products write 100 lines apiece for their abysmal behaviour.

Naturally, this met with total silence, which led us to ruminate over popular techniques used to provide cheer to one’s existence. We figured dolling oneself up is a great way to bring delighty to pastry’s banal, self-pitying existence. Thusly, Mr. Wapojif took the pastry for an all-expenses paid trip to a beauty salon and demanded, at quiche point, the staff perform teeth whitening, nail polishing, and all body spray tans on the assortment of baking confectionery goods.

Unfortunately, this subsequently led to Mr. Wapojif being arrested. He was sent to be tested in a mental institute but was, by a slim margin, cleared as sane and returned home depressed, whereupon he gorged on pies and gingerbread men to bolster his shattered self-esteem.

As for the pastry? Well, we have since established the following hypothesis: it is better to try than to not bother at all. As a result, we’ll forgive pastry for its relative lack of forthrightness.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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