We support sandwiches here at Professional Moron, even though they’ve got a mass of carbohydrates in there. If there’s anything modern nutrition has taught us, it’s this: carbohydrates are bad, as is cow milk, and certain other dairy products will make you grow hairy eyeballs and caterwaul during full moons. That’s mature cheddar, allegedly.

So yeah, we get it. We don’t drink milk (“But why haven’t your bones crumbled into an arthritic mess, you heathens?!” Erm, gee mate, probably because you can get calcium from others foods like green veg), and nor do we eat sandwiches. This is a pity as we love sandwiches, but there comes a time in one’s life when one simply has to take responsibility for oneself and be healthy.

So… what about this “Sandwich Cereal”?

This is why we’ve invented the Sandwich Cereal! It’s a combination of two things we don’t eat anymore, but we can foist onto you poor carb craving saps in an effort to make masses of moolah. The premise is pretty simple, as are the ingredients. First, you’ll need a sandwich. The bigger the better, so think of a sort of Subway type monstrosity which will just about fit in a cereal bowl.

Next up, it’s milk time! Of course you can go for cow milk, goat’s milk, milk milk, almond milk, rice milk, long-life milk, or oat milk… either way, it’s a sort of milk so it’ll do. With these two ingredients acquired, it’s time to make the dish!

Simply violently thrust the sandwich into the cereal bowl. It may hang over the sides slightly, with bits of tuna, or whatever the sandwich is, flopping out onto the kitchen work surface. Fear not this spillage! Bravely add the milk over the sandwich, and stand back as the sandwich comprehends the bizarre situation it has found itself in.

You people are positively disgusting!

Indeed, but we can’t sit back and apologise. It’ll bloat up, disintegrate a bit, and then sort of sit there like a morbidly obese walrus, and at this point your mission is complete. Consume with relish! It’ll taste pretty gosh darned disgusting, but culinary excellence isn’t what we’re about. No, we’re pushing the boundaries of cuisine is what we’re all about, and to do so one often has to take insane risks.

Enjoy your breakfasts tomorrow! We just know you’ll all be on Sandwich Cereal, and to help you along with this decision over Christmas we’ll be running sentimental TV adverts (and aggressive digital marketing campaigns) to brainwash you into consuming this mindless abhorrence. Huzzah!