Chairs are pretty useful items which you don’t really think about much, but when you do think about it you realise chairs have been with you your entire life. It’s quite a humbling realisation; most of us can probably remember fondly some chair you particularly liked when you needed to park your derrière somewhere comfy and familiar.
Typically, chairs are made out of wood, metal, or plastic. Other chairs (such as armchairs) are made out of materials such as comfy soft cloth sort of stuff, and come equipped with cushions and the like to make your sitting experience as streamlined and user-friendly as humanly possible. Note: Few chairs in history have been made out of hair. This seems odd, especially given as the word is in the other word itself. Being the creative sorts we are, we decided to invent the cHair and see how much money we could rake out of dimwits such as yourselves.
Making the cHairs is easy peasy lemon squeezy. Professional Moron’s method is to get a load of hair and use high strength superglue and blu-tack to stablise the structure into the familiar chair shape. True, this takes up a lot of superglue, creating a stench like no other, but when you’ve got a chair like this who gives a damn?
The fantastic news is the superglue fumes will also, upon your being within 10ft of a cHair, cause you to begin hallucinating wildly. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, often seats himself on his favourite cHair and, within but a moment, starts shrieking hysterically about giant tarantulas invading his personal space. It’s bloody hilarious!
For the more faint of heart, we have a regular glue version which doesn’t offer the same potent whiff. The downside with this version is it’s less structurally sound, which can lead to the cHair collapsing without warning. This, of course, can lead to severe injuries such as: scurvy, PSTD, a phobia of chairs (known as arachnophobia), a wilting nature to your vocal announcements, and an inability to abstain from spontaneous yodelling.
Hang on… Where do you Get the Hair From?!
Fear not, we acquire the hair in the most ethical manner humanly imaginable! All of the hair used to create the cHairs is obtained through our partnership with local hairdressers. That’s right, all those folk who get their hair cut will be unwittingly contributing to the world’s most hairy chairs! We’re not entirely sure if this is legal, but it’s not like anyone’s going to find out, eh?
We will state this: you’ll need to wash your cHair regularly. We can recommend a shampoo and conditioner for this, otherwise your favourite seating implement may succumb to unsightly dandruff, knits, scabies, and possibly even gout. We’re not sure on the latter, but it’s best to be sure, right?
Wash your cHair daily if possible and use a hairdryer and iron to fashion as best suits you. In the event of split ends, contact our apathetic customer service department and from there you’ll be told where you can stuff it one. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiie.