Exclusive Recipe: Cressps (like crisps, but with more cress)

Cress Crisps
Do not be a moron and attempt to grow cress in your keyboard. Save it for cressps!

Saying “crisps” makes you hold onto the end of the word like some sort of freak of nature. Have a go now: “crispssspspspsssss”. It’s a goddamn logistical nightmare. If you want to keep your sentences flowing freely without any superfluous clinging to letters, steer clear of that one. And, indeed, the other word we’ve invented today.

Crisps are so bad for you it’s hilarious. Eat bag of crisps, it is well known, you consume will take some 34 years off your life. Don’t do it then, kids, and stick to the almighty new excellence of cressps! They’re the happier, healthier, cress heavier, fully saturated fat variety of the classic crisp formula, and they’re here to make the world a safer place.

Cressps: What’s so Great About Cress?

Are you kidding us? Cress is fantastic and the perfect primary ingredient for cressps. It has the tangy, aromatic crunchiness of bluebottle flies and a hint of mustard. It has the latter as it is genetically related to mustard, apparently, whilst it has the former as bluebottles tend to hang around cress spreading mischief and other such grotesque fly stuff.

Cressps are made primarily out of cress, but there’s also a great deal of butter and a number of hazardous chemicals. The most prominent is brominated vegetable oil (BVO). BVO is a super healthy additive which is banned in 100 countries! It’s okay, though, our BVO is offset by BO (body odour) to ensure the harsh toxicity is soon forgotten once the foul stench of sweaty football hooligans rears into one’s nostrils.

There’s also potassium bromate. Despite the (pathetically weak and unfounded) links to kidney failure, neurological disorders, and terminal illnesses, we think it adds a certain oomph to the cressps. It also speeds up the rate at which we can create the cressps, which is helped enormously by butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA) and butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT) as they help to preserve the cressps for longer. Yum! Admittedly, these do have the downside of causing insomnia, fatigue, liver damage, kidney damage, and mental disintegration.

Finally, we add a healthy dollop of azordicarbonamide, synthetic food dyes, rBGH and rBST hormones, neonicotinoid pesticides (to keep those damn bluebottles away from the cressps), arsenic, turmeric, and formaldehyde. We don’t need several of the aforementioned ingredients (especially the ever useless turmeric) but you’ve got to fill up the ingredients list with something. When a customer sees the back of the cressp packaging they’re not going to be pleased if it merely states: cress. Are they?!?

Cressp Almighty!

We’re aware some of this lot may sound pretty horrific but, and you have to believe us here, this is the only way to make delicious cressps. The much vaunted “organic” lie is a lie spread by the government to make you be healthier and it is a lie. Don’t believe their lies! Harsh additives are every bit as healthy as, for instance, consuming a bowl of “fresh and organic” MUD!

Cressps will be spread through humanity via a violent marketing campaign. The Professional Moron staff will visit supermarkets of the world and beat innocent shoppers with multi-packs of cressps until they relent and purchase the extremely tasty crisp alternatives.

Finally, as the cressp range is, essentially, a health range for hippies, we’re going to encourage non-hippies to consume cressps by including a FREE litre of bargain bin cola with each and every bag of cressps! That’s right, buy five bags and you’ll receive FIVE litres of cola! That’s enough to utterly destroy your intellectual capacities in time for the New Year. Ho ho ho!

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