It’s the time of year when New Year’s revolutions must be considered. For most people it will go like this: lose weight, be healthier, visit the gym more often, and scale Mount Everest in only a bobble hat and pink speedos.
Noble endeavours all, but we’re here to remind you it’s wise to consider your full range of options. 10 of them, in fact, are included here today for you to mull over (perhaps with a glass of mulled wine) and contemplate ahead of a 2016 which shall bring conquest and glory!
1. Loose Weight
Doomed to failure from the start, you poor individual! Abandon your weight loss goals and take up diction and grammar courses to fully express the horror you feel upon sight of your morbidly obese frame.
2. Find Your One True Glove
Love is for losers, so turn your attention to finding your one true glove! There are many gloves out there, but there’s one for you. Hit the shops, spend around a bit, and you will eventually find your Glove in Shining Armour. Glovely!
3. Marry a Pineapple
People are rubbish, so why not marry a pineapple? They’re healthy and look interesting – why not? Pineapples are robust and have a steady income they acquire from being pineapples, and they are crammed full of bromine and vitamin C should you suddenly succumb to scurvy.
4. Become an Actor
80% of actors are unemployed, but so what? You’re different! You’re special! You’re the next John Gielgud! Hit the audition scene and make a fool of yourself! Don’t worry about those mounting unpaid bills, there’s always armed robbery!
5. Be a Better Person
Stop kicking tramps in the street and give up trying to run over pigeons in your gas guzzler! Embrace your inner Humanist and take to reading science books. You can do it!
6. Be a Butter Person
Ditch margarine in favour of butter! Margarine is for losers – butter is for non-losers! Join the butter revolution and make foodstuffs as butter intended.
7. Wear More Skinny Jeans
Are you sick and tired of the excellent blood circulation you enjoy? Clamp your lower extremities in skinny jeans and feel the full agony of leg strangulation!
8. Stop Bathing
Most people bathe too much and smell too nice. We’re sick of this, you’re sick of this, and the government is sick of this. Quit bathing and take up a new hobby, such as nose picking.
9. Stalk a Celebrity Online
Thanks to social media, it’s easier than ever to stalk your favourite celebrity! Whether it’s Justin Bieber, the Pope, or Adam Sandler, you can monitor your fave’s latest movements with ease. Don’t forget to send creepy Tweets at 4am in the morning!
10. Learn Welsh
The Welsh language has so many uses across the world, primarily confusing the heck out of everybody. The dialect itself has a certain lilting quality about it we admire, but being able to confuse folks with your prowess would be quite astonishing!