“What’s the difference between lemons and limes, dammit?” This is a question you may be asking yourself as you launch into a new quest for more vitamin C. Why do you want more of it? As you’ve just overindulged on a titanic scale over Christmas and are now pursuing an Arnold Schwarzenegger type physique. You go girl! Big Arnie supports your quest.

Lemons and limes pack a mighty vitamin c punch as they’re vegetables of the highest order. Neatly encased in shiny packaging thoughtfully provided by motherboard nature, they’re a tasty, tangy, sweet, sour, and fun product which one can find at any store across the land you currently inhabit. Hurray! But what IS the difference? Let’s find out.

Lemons

Lemons evolved from daffodils around 300,000 million years ago and were popular heure d’oeuvres during antiquity. Indeed, youths would gather in the streets and have lemon eating competitions (known as Citrum Bellum in Latin) to amuse themselves, often returning home with their mouths looking like the alien from Predator due to a sour citrus overdose.

Due to this, lemons were banned as food products by the Romans and, instead, they were used as weapons to bombard less cultured enemies with. The enemies, such as Asterix and Obelix, had never seen such items before, and were so wholly engrossed in lemons their premises were often besieged by the Romans as they observed the yellow, shiny vegetable.

During the Age of Discovery lemons should have been used as a way to fend off scurvy for sailors, as its vitamin c boosting attributes would have provided the collagen which would have kept sailor’s bodies from, quite literally, falling apart. However, no one had any idea and so the lemons stayed at home where the old pastime of Citrum Bellum (now known as Lemon Conquests) had once again taken hold.

Lemons became unpopular after this and no one gave much of a damn until 1989, when the Stone Roses featured one on the front cover of their seminal eponymous debut album. Indeed.

Limes

Limes evolved from algae around 250 million years ago and became popular during antiquity as they could be added to hellish wounds (everyone had wounds from battle back then) to avoid the hellish nightmare of gangrene etc. Of course it didn’t help in the slightest in this regard, but people did it anyway.

Ancient humanity also made lime juice, and luminaries from the age would drink up to five litres a day of the stuff. This would cause horrific burst of sugar induced energy, which is why there were so many megalomaniacs in power back then. Indeed, Caligula himself would consume some 30 litres a day of lime juice, and was said to have barked orders at his staff whilst dancing like a giraffe.

Considered a food product cursed by the Devil, limes were banished from many civilisations until the 19th century, when they were used to add a tangy edge to beers across the world. They are now considered pretty edgy, and innumerable Hipsters are known to gather in city centre cafes to postulate over the nature of limes. They don’t need to – the facts are all on Professional Moron!

Right… so, what is the difference?!

Okay, we can sense you’re getting a bit frustrated here. You only have yourself to blame, stupid, can’t you use your eyes? Have a look for yourself. What is the difference between lemons and limes? One is yellow and the other is green! If you really need our help with this consider getting yourself an education, you imbecilic halfwits!