Okay, before we start let’s just state right away we’re not on about Apple here. By Apple we don’t mean apple (as in the fruit – apples) we’re indicating the vast conglomerate which has turned you into a dribbling imbecile on public transport. No, we’re on about apple – the fruit! Good, we’re glad we’ve cleared up this confusion.

Now, let’s commence with a different type of confusion – apple bits! Specifically, the bit of twig which protrudes at the top of each and every apple (apart from Apple products, of course). What is it for? Why is it there? Why is there only one? Is it dangerous? These are the questions we asked ourselves as we commenced with this foodie investigation. Onwards to find out more, Macduff!

The Apple Handle

Okay, so some sources suggested the thing (which is like a kind of deformed limb which hasn’t grown properly, given up, and stuffed itself upwards out of the apple’s brain) is a stalk. Now you can use an Apple product to stalk someone (such as a celebrity like Tom Cruise – although please don’t stalk Tom Cruise) quite easily, but stalking someone with an apple is a completely different kettle of fists. It simply isn’t possible, so this rules out the moronic stalk theory.

Another possibility is it’s an antenna which beams information about Earthlings back to the mothership near Jupiter. From there, aliens watch and listen to our antics, slowly plotting to hurtle to Earth, seize all 7,500 species of apples (including Golden Delicious), and leg it one out of here, leaving us bereft and in mourning. Unfortunately, we don’t have any evidence to back up these claims.

For now we’ll have to presume the twig thing is a pathetic evolutionary attempt at a handle. It went wrong, because one doesn’t pick up an apple by the handle, one hoists it up in one’s hand as a whole, thusly rendering the handle utterly useless. In terms of a design fault, this is like wearing a bobble hat with no bobble.

Is It Edible, Though?

For millennia people have asked one simple question – is that bit on top of the apple edible? Also, are the pips inside edible? Furthermore, is the central column bit in the apple edible? The answer to all of these questions is unknown, which is analogous to other big questions, such as where babies come from, and why does the Moon circulate around the Earth and not the other way around?

We mean, technically you could eat the apple handle if you wanted to. We did, but it was a sort of chewy grotesque mess, and not the delicious apple based loveliness we expected. This was disappointing – kind of like the battery life on an Apple smartphone! Which is ironic, except you can’t eat iPhones, of course. If you did you’d be the biggest Hipster in the world – at one with your smartphone. Freak.