Now Santa Claus has gone into hibernation, like the morbidly obese bear of a man he is, his official newsletters are on hold until he reawakens in November 2016. To make up for his absence, we’ve hunted around for other world famous icons willing to sign up for a series of poorly paid newsletters.
Heck, it saves us from having to write anything! In the meantime, they get colossal media exposure and meagre earnings from us. What’s not to love? It was this reasoning which saw the Easter Bunny hop on board with us. You can read his insightful first newsletter below. Welcome, Easter Bunny.
The Exclusive Easter Bunny Newsletter!
Hello there, brethren! I’m the Easter Bunny, the individual you’ve never met. Rest assured, I’ve broken into all of your homes over the years to deliver delicious chocolate eggs to you. Of course behind the scenes, it’s more hectic than simply delivering chocolate eggs over and over. I have to make them in my factory, you see, which places a burden on me so large my doctor (Nibbles) told me I’m likely to collapse with a brain aneurysm at any moment!
Undeterred, I relish new challenges. Professional Moron has kindly asked me to write for them, so from now on I’ll keep you all abreast of the latest advances ahead of Easter. It may seem a way off but, as we say in the industry, we like to cash in on consumerist imbeciles to make us filthy rich. Mwahahahahaaa!
The most glaring problem I’ve faced is the chocolate shortage. Simply put, there ain’t enough of the stuff to fulfil this year’s quota of 4 billion chocolate eggs. As a result, I’ve had to get canny in order to meet this year’s order, and by canny I mean I’ve found a chocolate substitute. What is it? Good old refreshing mud.
Local farmers around my secret Easter Bunny base (we’re not on Google Maps so don’t bother trying to stalk us!) have kindly handed over hundreds of metric tonnes of spare mud for me to complete the almighty chocolate egg undertaking. This is between bouts of firing their shotguns wildly at me of course, which is one of the downsides of being a bunny.
The mud is chocolate coloured and does a passable impression of a chocolate egg, which should be enough to fool dim-witted children and working class idiots. Sheesh, most people need to eat less chocolate anyway so consider this lot a healthy Easter gift! Just watch out for the odd errant worm, bits of stone, and shrapnel (we’re based on an old WWII Blitz flight path).
Of course the rat infestation at my factory has made determining what bits lying around is mud rather difficult. Mounds of rat droppings, of which we’re inundated, look a tad similar. Don’t be alarmed by this, the Easter Bunny takes diligent care with food safety and has been tested, and failed, by every single Food Standards Agency official since late 2015!
Fingers crossed we’ll have this rectified in time for Easter; we’ve hired a janitor and he’s pledged to use the most environmentally damaging bleach possible in order to rid our factory of germs! We’ve ordered 500 litres of the stuff to pour liberally all over the property, thusly rendering the site unsafe for pretty much any living organism.
Unfortunately, the rats have also been helping themselves to the finished chocolate eggs – this has depleted my chocolate stock by 13%. This is infuriating, so I have laced the property with rat poison to choke the annoying buggers out of repeated episodes. Bleach and rat poison may sound dangerous, of course, but think of it as a combination akin to scones and whipped cream – now grin like an idiot and banish nasty thoughts.
New Chocolate Egg Ranges!
Despite our problems, me and my staff of bunny rabbits have worked around the clock to bring exciting new Easter eggs to the market. Obviously, what with Star Wars out, we’ve created related products such as the Chewbacca Dropping – this is a thoroughly realistic looking egg which has helped alleviate the rat excrement dilemma. Well, we don’t want those droppings going to waste, we’re pushed enough on the mud front as it is. Kids will love it!
Alongside this we’ve invented the Jabba the Hut egg. This one’s made out of chocolate and filled with mud, giving consumers a double whammy of glee and horror simultaneously. Please note, all of these products will likely be laced with chemical bleach, rat poison, rat droppings, and the odd stray rabbit dropping (I apologise, but accidents happen), so if you’ve got any allergies perhaps give the ingredients label a double-check.