Chopping Boards: What Else Can You Use Them For?

Chopping board uses
The humble chopping board.

This is our chopping board. There are many like it, but this one is ours. We use it to chop up vegetables such as tomatoes, onions, bananas, haggis, and Kellog’s Cornflakes. It is a good chopping board, and we are proud of its ability to be robust, officious, and sturdy. These are the three qualities which make for a class act chopping board.

There are a myriad of other uses for chopping boards, of course, and we’re here today to highlight just how versatile these things well and truly are. Indeed, you should be doing much more than simply hacking your food to bits on them. Read on to find out how you can take this kitchen implement up a gear in 2016!

Hopping Board

As we indicated in our New Year’s Revolutions, losing weight is a big part of the start of the year (before you lose interest and return to eating a tub of ice cream a night). Thusly, we’re promoting kitchen utensils as a get fit quick and cheap technique.

Turn your chopping board into a hopping board in an instant! Simply place it on the floor and begin hopping on the SOB with gusto. Continue merrily on your way until you’re either physically exhausted or you suffer a cardiac arrest – at this point, cease hopping and give the thing a thorough wash with the finest washing up liquid you own.

Chopping Bored

Only boring people get bored, but you may find yourself inadvertently stuck in a boring situation (such as lingering in a traffic jam) which needs alleviating. Forget your smartphone, the chopping board is all you require!

What’s more exciting than getting out your chopping bored and chopping at it wildly with your hands? Exactly – nothing! Hack away wildly as you live out your Bruce Lee fantasies, ignoring the distressed expressions from anyone around you whilst you shriek hysterically.

Stopping Board

Stop people from being irritations by hitting them with your chopping board. The Stopping Board, as it has been renamed, is ideal for terrifying the living daylights out of your friends and family. Especially if it’s essentially a giant block of wood, which our one is.

Alternatively, one could use a chopping board as a giant stop sign on roads. This would alleviate the demand on traditional stop signs, and hungry drivers would be able to pull over, take down the stopping board, and make an impromptu salad. We’re all for making the driving experiences of the world more interesting, even though we don’t own a vehicle.

Mopping Board

Not many people know it, but chopping boards are really terrible mop substitutes. This didn’t stop Professional Moron from using our chopping board to mop up the mess we leave behind.

We couldn’t be bothered buying a new mop, you see, so we decided to mop the office floor with our trusty chopping board. The result? We’re as filthy as ever. Hooray!

Scoffing Board

Are you fed up of crockery cluttering up your property? There’s no reason why your chopping board shouldn’t double up as a plate, which is where the scoffing board comes in.

Simply hack up whatever you need on the board (such as raw chicken, raw salmon, and raw eggs), cook them up with whatever veg you’ve hacked up on your board (such as bananas, strawberries, and seaweed), and dish it all out onto your scoffing board. From there it’s merely a case of stuffing your stupid face before hoping to anything you don’t contract some horrific bout of food poisoning. Hurray!


  1. Well, as per your paper idea, I wrote a “Dear John” letter on my chopping board. However, the post office wanted a fortune for the stamps to mail it. So, I just dropped it off at his house. Does that make it a “Dropping Board”?


    • Dropping board… should of thought of that. ANYWAY! Whilst we do accept our reader’s wordplay here at Professional Moron, as it is our domain we charge a nominal fee of £30 on each count. You can forward this to Mr. Wapojif at Professional Moron, England. Ta!


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