Exclusive Recipe: Pumpkin Seed Cake!

Organic pumpkin seeds
Organic pumpkin seeds – you’ll be needing a few thousand of them for this cake!

Before we start ranting about pumpkin seed cake let us, first of all, state this is no traditional cake. It does not contain flour, icing, those strange caramelised cherries, sugar, or baking powder. No, this is a cake which consists of one ingredient, and one ingredient only: pumpkin seeds.

In essence, we guess it’s not a cake at all. It’s a massive mound of pumpkin seeds. However, to brainwash consumerist dimwits into purchasing the thing, we’ll be marketing it as a cake. Let us face it – who doesn’t like cake? We’re fairly sure quite a few people don’t like pumpkin seeds, though, but it if you slap “cake” on something you’re guaranteed to hit people’s sweet tooth with an Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque punch to the jaw. Pasta the vistas, maybe!

Pumpkin Seed Cake: Recipe Directions

Okay, so we’ve established you’re going to need a rather massive supply of pumpkin seeds for this sun of a gun. We can estimate between 2,000 and 5,000 of them will suffice – it depends on just how enormous you want your cake to be. Additionally, you’ll want to take into consideration by how much you want to exceed your daily recommended allowance of fat.

Pumpkin seeds are supremely good for you, of course, but as they’re present in such a vast quantity here (and they’re held in place to form a cake shape by harsh chemical superglue) you’re pretty quickly going to be reaching a point where a fat embolism will spontaneously erupt in your gut.

Hell, it’s not like cake’s good for you or anything. What were you expecting? Simply take the superglue and laboriously stick together the thousands of pumpkin seeds until you’ve made a delightful looking cake – we recommend giving yourself a solid month to create the thing. Perhaps try and shape it into something interesting, such as a donkey, or perhaps even a giraffe. Regardless, it’ll stink something frightful so make sure you wear a facemask whenever you’re around the thing!

Is it Possible to Overdose on Pumpkin Seeds?

Probably, and this cake will determine the theory! This is the remarkable thing about pumpkin seed cake – it pushes the boundaries of health, sanity, and morality, and there are very few foodstuffs which can claim this. Not even the Pot Noodle sandwich can claim to be so depraved.

Eating the cake is an unusual experience. Stomach cramps are guaranteed, as are the wild delusions and hallucinations you’ll endure due to ingesting superglue, but through it all you’ll come to realise the pumpkin seed cake tastes like a giant pumpkin seed! At around the point of this realisation, as happened to Mr. Wapojif, you’ll suffer some sort of outer body experience and drop to the floor unconscious. Our esteemed editor awoke hours later and claimed to have been abducted by aliens. Pumpkin seed cake – what a trip!


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