Greetings, humans! Welcome back to our latest newsletter from a celebrity. Last time out we had the Easter bunny waxing lyrical about his exploits. The rabbit is attempting to fulfil the Easter egg quota in time for, you guessed it, Easter. A rat infestation and attempting to adapt to a global shortage on chocolate caused some serious issues, and this week he’s been having trouble with several apprentices! My word, it’s a doozy.
The Latest Easter Bunny Newsletter!
Good day. I, the Easter bunny, am facing unprecedented times as of right now. In the manic rush to get our mud chocolate eggs (please read my last post), we’re taking on apprenticeships to pack the mud into egg shapes and on the shipping line. We’ve taken on apprentices as you don’t have to pay them crap, and they’re typically free from the world-weariness and pessimism older workers who’ve held longstanding, mind-sapping jobs possess.
We’ve taken on apprentices as you don’t have to pay them crap, and they’re typically free from the world-weariness and pessimism older workers who’ve held longstanding, mind-sapping jobs possess. “What could go wrong?!”, I thought to myself. A lot. A lot indeed.
I’m not on about the tawdry TV show, I’m on about the real thing! I hired 100 apprentices (99 rabbits and one particularly stupid badger who turned up to the wrong job interview – we snapped the imbecile up), all of whom are, of course, of a young age. Quickly put into production, they’re managing an additional 1,000 Easter eggs a day alongside my professional staff.
Unfortunately, the badger (John) doesn’t get on particularly well with the other apprentices. The latter have given him the nickname “Stinky Pants” and this causes him regular fits of outrage. This boiled over on a colossal scale at the weekend when John went on a berserk rampage throughout the cafeteria. His trail of destruction left the chef’s batch of Yorkshire puddings destroyed and 17 litres of milk covering the floor.
John was pretty hysterical, so I stepped in to calm his nerves. I made him a bespoke t-shirt with “CROSS ME AND YOU DIEEE!” emblazoned on the front. This has redressed the issue. The department is moving in full swing and we’re on target to meet the 2016 egg quota. I have also learnt the value of abusing my power.
Well it was moving in full swing until John and the rest of the apprentice rabbits joined forces and began engaging in highly impertinent behaviour. I blame this on youthful hedonism and society’s inexorable slide towards the apocalypse! Regardless, their behaviour is simply atrocious and I am of the right mind to refer them to a young offenders institute for rabbits. Failing this, the RSPCA will have to come and take them away and give them to some children’s orphanage. Or something. Whatever, I can’t hack this for much longer!
Modern youths are a step above the petulant youths of the past as they’ve grown up watching films and TV shows such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Watership Down, Bugs Bunny, Donnie Darko, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Con Air (pictured below).
I decided to watch Con Air for inspiration on how to discipline these young hoodlums. Suitably inspired by Cyrus the Virus (usually known as John Malkovich), I came into work packing some serious weaponry to put those damn whippersnappers in their place! Inevitably, this led to my arrest. I was bailed the next day after a night of serious contemplation in the cells.
Once I returned to work I found someone had clogged one of the toilets on the site. This was such an embarrassing issue for them they’ve refused to come forward and admit responsibility. There are only three toilets installed on the production site and our newly hired janitor (Roger) refuses to go near them on religious grounds. As a consequence, I, in my grand nobility, must clean them once a week with a rag in order to uphold the highest standards of hygiene.
This is no longer possible as the plumbing system has backfired and now effluence has spilled out across the premises. The public must rest assured only about 13% of our Easter egg stock has been contaminated by this waste, and we’ve used highly effective detergent chemical bleach to ensure the property has been restored to its former half descent hygiene standards.
Needless to say, this has been a most testing week and I have begun snorting finely grounded carrots just to get through each appalling day. By the seven horns of Beelzebub, help me through this appalling fiasco!