Tea Week Special: How to Make a Cup of Tea Like a Professional

How to make a cup of tea
The stuff you’ll need to make a cup of tea. Indeed.

It’s day three of our Tea Week and now is a good time to discuss the correct method of making tea. It’s not a case of boiling a kettle and immediately flinging in a tea bag. One must approach the project with a degree of sensitivity. Like a gentleman holding a door for a lady, you must remember to steal her wallet as she grins inanely at your kindliness. This is what tea is about – remembering the little things.

Today we answer the question of “How do I make a cup of tea?” For many of you, this may seem like a futile exercise. You may be thinking, “WTF, Professional Moron, you just boil the damn kettle and then hurl the boiling water over the goddamn tea bag. WTF is your problem. Capiche?”

Firstly, calm yourself down you intemperate fool. Secondly, the answer to life’s complexities is to sit back, take in knowledge gained from the efforts of other people, and then spout forth this knowledge as if you are the gifted intellectual. It is the way of things and we’ve mastered this technique gloriously. So learn from us, we’re the tea morons!

How to Make a Cup of Tea

Yogi teabag
This, dear readers, is a tea bag. Note the lack of handle.

To make a cup of tea, one does not simply walk into Mordor. This is a practice which one most perfect with hard craft and patience – this is the nature of Teaism (which we’ll highlight in an extra special Book of da Week tomorrow).

Dumbing it down for you all, it’s a case of boiling your water and pouring the hot water into a teapot or mug. You’ve got to let the water cool for certain teas (primarily herbal ones) and it’s best to brew them in a teapot with the lid on so none of the goodness escapes like a braying donkey escaping from a herd of other braying donkeys.

There’s loose tea and the tea bag, of course. There are those who would say the tea bag is an insult on all that is tea based. We say to them: no. The tea bag is great. It’s not like those plastic bags you pick up from supermarkets, or a rucksack or something, it’s simple a little marginally see through paper like thing which holds a bit of tea.

Loose leaf is tea which lets itself hang all the bloody way out. Like a stripper taking to the pitch at some sporting event somewhere, loose leaf is pursued by those who wish to cover up its modesty.

Finding the Right Teapot

Teapot
The teapot. Fear it.

If you get serious about your tea, you get a teapot. Teapots are wise beings which sit on your kitchen work surface silently judging you if you’re not drinking tea. You are a slave to the teapot once you purchase one. It will become your trusted friend, and you won’t want to part ways with it, even if it’s a bit shabby and stupid looking – like ours.

The teapot learns to understand your flaws and will always be there for you. Like Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Gunther, you can always rely on your friend the teapot to be a reliable companion and spouter of spouts.

How Not to Make a Cup of Tea

Cement wall
Do not add this to tea.

Okay, there’s also a number of ways you can severely badly mess up making a cup of tea. Here are some ingredients you shouldn’t be using for your cup of tea. These include, but are not limited to:

  • Semtex.
  • Milk.
  • Any form of radioactive material.
  • Cement.
  • Horse manure.
  • Discarded toenail clippings.

This lot is off limits. You don’t use these to add to any cup of tea, you hair? Coffee drinkers (also known as reprobate morons) may wish to add these to their vastly inferior beverage, but tea drinks do not need to. Why? For tea is the ultimate drink, and you can find out how ultimate by reading our post scheduled for tomorrow.

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