Concluding a week conclusively where we rounded up our tea special and went headlong into a random assortment of popcorn flavours and kale “chips”, we picked up this coffee oddity from a Chinese store from Manchester’s Chinatown earlier today. Cool, eh?
Why did we spend 75p on it when we don’t even drink coffee? We guess that clever marketing campaign brainwashed us! It’s the compelling use of words, you see, the neuro linguistic persuasion tactics which the masters in the marketing world have used for decades to win over gullible fools such as ourselves. Or, you know, we just found the awkward use of language amusing.
What is this thing, then? It’s one of those readymade coffee things in a can. It’d probably be more healthy to bathe in old discarded sandwiches than consume this thing, but roughly 500 million people per second drink a cup of coffee. Why? We guess they have an addiction they’ll never be able to kick!
Is this one any different from the rest, such as Starbuck’s numerous efforts? Yes! This is “The Coffee of Coffees”, which is quite one statement. It gets even more bold, as this son of a gun heads off into one seriously bizarre rant about love and salmon singing in the street. We kid you not, this is what the strange text blurb says, verbatim:
“I’ll love you dear, I’ll love you till China and Africa meet/And the river jumps over the mountain/And the salmon sings in the street/I’ll love you till the ocean is folded and hung up to dry/And the seven stars go squawking/Like geese about in the sky.”
This disturbing anecdote (or whatever the heck it is) aside, we’re guessing advertising works a bit differently in other cultures across the world. This can is Brazilian coffee, but it’s written in Chinese, and made in Taiwan. In the West, advertising tends to cater for people’s desires to be rich, popular, and attractive. Think anti-dandruff shampoos where brainless grinning imbeciles gallop about with 5,000 watt lightbulbs searing onto their flowing manes.
In the East, clearly the target audiences is easily satisfied by surreal images of salmon singing in the street and China and Africa meeting for a date. How exactly would that work, anyway? Those two are totally incompatible, they’d never get on – think of the arguments they’d have: “You don’t understand me, Africa, just because I don’t have honey badgers and only the Great Wall…” – “Oh there you bloody go again, China, with the bloody Great Wall extravaganza! When will you give it a rest?! Great Wall this, Great wall that. I’m sick of it!” – “DON’T YOU SHOUT AT ME, AFRICA!!! I’ll order my population to invade you, and by the Great Wall of me we will triumph!” etc.
Did you Drink it?!?!
Yes. Our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif drank the coffee to see what would happen. It was okay and, 5 hours on from that momentous event, Mr. Wapojif still isn’t dead, so we’d like to commend this little drink on its mediocrity. It’s all about the little things in life, huh?