Salford Quays: Swearing Banned as Local Council Goes Mental!

Salford Quays
Salford Quays. No more swearing here, you hear!?

In a move which is sure to enrage millions of drunken football hooligans, swearing has been banned in Salford Quays. This is in Manchester, one of the roughest cities in the UK. Now many of you reading this may have the misconception British people are polite, stiff upper lip, tea drinking sorts. This is seriously wrong – the vast majority of Brits are drunk, belligerent, and they will swear at the drop of an… anything.

Bemused local and national journalists (such as the Manchester Evening News and the BBC) got a hold of the story and went berserk, prompting much hilarity and joviality through the use of casual profanity. Be warned – swearing is the work of the Devil and you will be judged for your depraved behaviour!!

No Swearing in Salford Quays

Old Trafford is located in the region, which is notorious for chants such as “The referees a w******!” making us consider the move a canny way for the police to earn around £500,000 per match. Football hooligans are renowned for their potty mouths, which is the only real reason we can figure the council has made such a law.

The new law means depending on the severity of the obscenity, different outcomes will apply. As we all know, certain expletive are more offensive then others, which will warrant either a minor fine, a large fine, a larger fine, a prison sentence, or immediate execution if a particularly provocative combination is used.

The news has been welcomed by locals, many of whom are fed up with rowdy football crowds, chavs, and ironic Hipsters who have ruined the area with the area with their depraved profanities. One local, John Johnson, said: “I’ve f***ing well lived ‘ere for twenty years! It’s a f***ing disgrace they can go around effing and jeffing like that! I’m f***ing sick of it!” He was promptly hauled off to prison after this quote was taken, where he will serve a 30 year sentence.

Rules & Regulations

To be fair, it is an area where children come to frolic and this is ruined somewhat when obese football lunatics lumber about departing with cuss words. So, knowledge is power! For your information, the following stipulations have been imposed on these swear words:

C*** – Life imprisonment

F*** – £1,000 fine and 10 years imprisonment

T*** – £1,000 fine and the removal of a limb

W***** – £1,000 fine and three days in public stocks

S*** – £50 on the spot fine and a kick in the testicles (if you’re a man)

B****** – £30 on the spot fine and a Chinese burn

P*** – £25 and 10 hours community service cleaning public lavatories

G** – £20 fine

C**p – £10 fine and 300 hours of community service

B**** – £5 fine and 10 hours community service

A** – £2 fine

Damn – £1 fine

Fiddlesticks – 50 pence fine

Gosh darn it – 40 pence fine

Blast – 30 pence fine

Golly Gosh – 20 pence fine

Flip – 10 pence fine

I say – 5 pence fine

Fuddy duddy – 1 pence fine

Disgruntled looks will leave you with a police warning. In addition, rude hand gestures will also be met with an immediate £500 fine and 400 hours of community service.

CITIZENS: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

6 comments

    • In the UK it’s brought about the “big brother” sort of consternation from the public. From my perspective, it’s a public area which doesn’t need people walking around roaring unnecessary swear words. Perhaps a fine is a bit excessive… how about a headlock and a caution?

      I’m not sure what the Dutch have on us. Please enlighten me, sah!

      • My sister lived near Amsterdam for over a decade and filled me in on Netherlands Words That Do No Usually Appear In Dictionaries. Not so much offensive in English as just odd. But still probably not for a comment page…drop me an email!

  1. Eeeeh, when I were a lad you’d have been arrested for not swearing enough in the vicinity of Trafford Wharf.

    What price gentrification, eh? Pfffff!

    Of course in those days that bit of Salford looked more like the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but there you go. Grand days, them, grand days.

    • As my father, Mr. Wapojif Snr, has explained to me, the area was indeed a crazed industrial estate. It’s all posh now! Down with this sort of thing.

      As far as I’m aware, gentrification is caused by the lack of gentlemen electrifying themselves in… I think I may be a bit wide of the mark on this one, old bean.

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