Why Do Pistachio Nuts Hate Being Nuts?

Pistachio nuts
What’s with the self-loathing, fools?

The weird thing about pistachio “nuts” is they’re like green bogeys. Unlike other nuts, which are typically brown, these subversive little tykes want to be more like grass. Clearly embarrassed about being nuts, their self-conscious issues even stretch to them hiding themselves in a shell like a hermit crab. Stupid things!

This has led us to write about pistachio nuts today in the manner one would stare disgustedly at a donkey braying loudly in a field – this is to say, not too disgustedly (unless you really hate donkeys). We like donkeys, and we love pistachio nuts, but we’re outraged these things could be so self-absorbed.

Pistachio Problems

Pistachio nuts have a rough time of it in life, considering their problems. Let’s get specific. Take, for instance, a 1kg £45 bag of skinless pistachios (such as these from Sous Chef). “What utter pampering!” some of our more moronic readers might chirrup, but the truth is those poor bastards have been hung out to dry.

Stripped of their dignity and forced to parade about the place naked as the day they were grown, it’s a shocking travesty to attempt to claim pistachios are pampered. If you take a mini-voice recorder to a bag of any pistachio nuts, you will record the ear-piercing, high-pitched shrieks of a nut species in a perpetual state of hysteria. Cripes!

This has led pistachio nuts to be dubbed Panicky Pistachios in the food community. Other foods with a seemingly inexplicable case of dysmorphia include:

  • All packaged foods (why do you think they’re hiding in the packaging?)
  • Gravy
  • Oysters
  • Mars bars
  • Fish

There is also a theory that certain types of sandwiches (such as Egg & Mayo) suffer from the condition, although most learned sorts realise Egg & Mayo sandwiches are afflicted with a mixture of several narcissistic personality disorders, gout, and a touch of insanity (hence the food combination).

Food Dysmorphia

Why would nuts suffer from dysmorphia? Typically this condition is associated with dinosaurs (hence their extinction), morbidly obese people, and labradors. It is unknown why the latter have this condition, although one conspiracy theory has it the breed was invented (in a lab – “labrador”) and thus they are genetically pretty messed up land monsters.

It is believed pistachios began exhibiting this condition circa antiquity, when bigger and bolder sorts (such as Brazil nuts) muscled their way into popular culture (most notably in Brazil, where it is believed the Brazil nut earned its name). Diminutive pistachio nuts didn’t stand an egotistical chance, thusly prompting them to grow a shell around themselves and hide from the rest of the world.

They shouldn’t be embarrassed, though. Pistachio nuts are glorious, and we’re perfectly happy to snap those shells open and devour those SOBs whole – screams of horror or otherwise. Did we mention we’re environmentalists? Evidently we’re hypocrites as well, which is at least a step above being a hippopotamus. Stupid fat gits.

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