Exclusive Recipe: Peas on Toast (the archenemy of Beans on Toast)

Peas on toast
Peas. Peas! Puh-ees!

Beans on toast leads an idyllic existence. Remaining largely unchallenged in the “on toast” food arena, it is only cheese on toast which has ever held a candle to it, and this feeble attempt at sabotage failed as the candle didn’t do anything to the beans.

Indeed, fatuous cheese believe this would make it melt but, alas, it only led to scandalous newspaper headlines and poor old cheese on toast succumbed to being second, “The first of the losers”.

Peas on Toast

We’re pretty sick of this state of affairs here at Professional Moron. Why should beans on toast inexplicably hold a monopoly on this market?

It’s a bloody disgrace and we’re here to sort it out! Why? As we’re good people and noble imbeciles who need a worthy cause to commit to. Thusly, peas on toast has been invented.

Beans on toast is, of course, the central food staple for your average student. When he was one, Mr. Wapojif (our esteemed and disgraced editor) once ate beans on toast for every single meal during a day.

This went on for four months (including for snacks between meals of more beans on toast) and ended when Mr. Wapojif was rushed to hospital with a beans aneurysm.

Here we have quite clearly highlighted the horrifying dangers students face with this most barbaric of meals, which is why (amongst other caustic reasons, as aforementioned) we’ve invented peas on toast.

It’s an attempt to aid these youthful and hedonistic dimwits get some nutrition into their booze addled bodies. Peas is a great way to start!

Why? As peas is pun friendly: “Easy Peasy!”, “Eat Peas Please”, “Peas It”, “Peas To Meet You”, “Peas Don’t Eat Beans on Toast (you freaks)!”) etc.

With a noun like that, one is able to construct fabulous innuendo with which to bombard a largely vacuous and unsuspecting public (not that we look down on society like pretentious idiots, we just believe we’re better than everybody else as we’re so dumb.)

The brilliant thing about this recipe is it’s so gosh-darned easy to make. All you need is bread and peas (roughly about 200 of the little green blighters). Toast the bread up in a toaster until it is no longer bread and is, indeed, toast.

Next, cook your peas in a pan until they look cooked (when do they not look cooked? Use your best judgement here) and, hey presto, your dinner is ready!

Beans vs Peas

It’s one of the most brutally contested food standoffs in the history of ever: which is best – beans or peas? Not wishing to apply hegemonic law here, but beans win.

I’m sorry we caved in, but peas just don’t cut it in the way beans do!

All that tomato based sauce, sugar, and salt turn baked beans into one of the most delicious meals on Earth. Better even than deep fried Pop Tarts covered in butter and ice cream.

The big problem for peas on toast? Too dry. We suppose we could champion mushy peas on toast, but that would be too mushy of us and we’re really not in a sentimental mood this evening.

Indeed, so next time you turn to toast for a meal… make sure it’s beans. Beans on toast.


  1. Not trying to appease anyone, like me, who got all worked up about peas on toast only to be told to eat beans on toast, but what if all that tomato based sauce, sugar, and salt was added to the peas? Then it wouldn’t be too, dry!


    • Anyone who understands basic science will know that would cause a catastrophic implosion for the space time continuum. If you value the fabric of reality you will avoid doing this.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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