Evolutionary Theory: Why Rattlesnakes Have a Rattle

Rattlesnake rattle
What a friendly looking little darling!

When one thinks of aggressive animals one typically turns to hippos, an outraged herd of elephants, scorpions, and (of course) the rattlesnake. Indeed, the latter only ever appears to be seriously bloody angry 24/7. When does one come across a relaxed rattlesnake? It’s simply never happened. The things are permanently enraged. Why is this so?

It has been well documented the rattlesnake has a rattle. This is made out of keratin and bits of old baby rattles the snake finds lying about in the dessert (typically discarded by ineffective parents or grumpy toddlers). The snake fashions the rattle together with superglue and bits of sellotape, and starts rattling the thing like a crazed SOB the moment it gets agitated (which is usually about anything and everything). Moody little gits!

The Rattlesnake is a Big Baby

As the old saying goes, “if you’re going to act like a big baby, have a rattle!” We’re not sure if this is a saying, but it gets the point across here regardless. The simple fact is, rattlesnakes have a rattle as they’re big babies who have a hissy fit all the gosh darned time. Get over yourself, rattlesnakes, and grow the heck up!

It’s not like the snake has a difficult time of it. All it has to do is fend off predators such as crazed honey badgers, ferocious lions, outraged herds of elephants, idiotic humans obsessed with turning up to photograph the thing, and wayward walkers who inadvertently tread on it whilst it’s taking a nap. How does the rattlesnake react to each instance? By rattling furiously and lashing out with its nasty fangs. What an intemperate buffoon!

From a human perspective this is fairly scary. The rattlesnake packs a poisonous bite which will pretty much finish you off unless you rush to hospital for an immediate lobotomy. Whilst you’re fretting for your existence, what’s the snake doing? It’s back in the desert rattling its keratin behind about the place at anyone and everything. We’ll give the rattlesnake this – it sure isn’t prejudiced!

How to Discipline a Spoilt Rattlesnake

Discipline! Discipline is the key to getting this species to be less relentlessly terrifying. Should you stumble across one whilst out and about, don’t immediately panic and run for your life, take a moment to address the rattlesnake firmly but sternly. A good opener would be: “You there! Halt this obnoxious behaviour this instant!” Upon hearing your bold intonations, the rattlesnake should immediately back down and dip its head apologetically.

At this stage it would be ideal for you to lecture the rattlesnake on proper polite etiquette. During your homily the snake should finally see reason, have an emotional breakdown, and vow to change its ways. Mission accomplished! Of course, there is also the possibility the snake may ignore your rambling in favour of lunging wildly for you like a bolt of lightning with its razor sharp fangs. At this point it would be advisable you cease and desist and hurtle post haste to your nearest medical establishment.

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Dispense with some gibberish!

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