Teapots are great and all that, but they’re just never bloody big enough! Cots, on the other hand, certainly are big enough. You can keep a baby in them, and there’s room for teddy bears and possibly your pet Rottweiler to defend your infant and ward off any potential intruders.
As a consequence, we’ve decided to merge the cot with the teapot in a morally repugnant bout of inventing which is sure to outrage parents around the world. But who cares? We’re lawbreakers here at Professional Moron, and we believe the TeaCot will make us billionaires because, as we all know, money is everything and that’s all that matters!
To be honest, tea is more important than money… although you do need money to buy tea. What came first, money or tea? We think tea did and then repugnant corporate sorts decided to be repugnant and turned tea into a repugnant global institution of repugnance.
Nothing’s more repugnant than our TeaCot, which is designed to fleece tea addicted mothers out of their hard earned cash. The TeaCot has been designed like a cot but so it’s more like a mini-bathtub. Thusly, one can fill the TeaCot up with water, gently boil it (there’s a coal stove underneath the contraption), and then add tea.
Obviously, to get the TeaCot hot enough for boiling temperatures you’ve got to get a serious fire going under the bed and teapot merger. Indeed, you’ll have to get a right inferno going and the TeaCot will belch out a serious amount of repulsive (you thought we were going to write repugnant again, right?) black smoke and fiery flames. To be sure, this is one invention you don’t want to keep your newborn around.
Why Does This Monstrosity Exist?!
That’s an interesting question with no clear answer. We did hypothesise about why someone would invent such an insanely dangerous cot, and we went directly to the source (proper good journalism, non?) to find out who’d be stupid enough to do this.
We then realised we’re the source, so we gave ourselves a proper thorough grilling from which no one emerged with their reputations intact. Unfortunately, as we conducted an interview on ourselves as the TeaCot polluted the air around us, we lost consciousness before we could ascertain a definitive answer.
Ultimately, we must advise mothers to steer well clear of this hazardous device when it hits stores this summer priced at the utterly unreasonable cost of £3,400 (about $4,000). If, however, you have an insatiable appetite for tea, this thing will keep you going for some time.