The Flamethrower: Who Invented It & What Are Its Modern Uses?

Who invented the flamethrower
We could all do with throwing things more often.

The flamethrower – one of the world’s most berserk weapons and one which most of us can’t claim to have in our garden shed. Why? As it throws flames and this is probably considered illegal under the laws of most governments.

Seriously, imagine if they were legal and everyone was packing a flamethrower – utter carnage. Got a dispute with your neighbour? Flamethrow their bloody porch!

Anyway, at some point some insane genius invented this contraption and, my word, does it have many modern uses (asides from annihilating fellow human beings, of course). But where does one even buy a flamethrower from?

It’s often topped our shopping list ahead of a supermarket visit, but we’ve been left sorely disappointed upon failing to unearth the flamethrower aisle. Disappointing? Yes. Why, if we had a flamethrower we’d take out our rage with considerable fiery gusto!

Who Invented the Flamethrower?

The incendiary device was invented by the Greeks in the 1st century AD. Initially, they were a dismal failure due to catching fire the moment they were deployed. It’s believed inventors of the time took “incendiary” to fatuous literal levels (due to the illiteracy of the day) by producing incendairy devices. Indeed, cheese flamethrowers were ill-equipped to handle extreme temperatures and promptly melted.

Irrespective of this design flaw, the problem with flames is this: they’re banal. Even the Sun is predictable in that all it ever does is spew forth radiation and mind searing heat. Stupid bloody thing.

Indeed, flames flicker about the place, look cool, can burn buildings to the ground, make for a salubrious barbeque, probably saved the human race during pre-history and antiquity, and yet other than this they’re pretty useless (Life of Brian territory, here).

Consequently, a genius decided to liven them up a bit by providing the capacity to throw flames about the place. Wowza!

Well, why not? Because it goes without saying, if you’re going to liven something up a bit, throw it. Seen the dusty DVD copy of Argo you’ve not bothered watching again? Seize it immediately and hurl it across the room with gusto! Fun, right?

Wait… Aren’t Flamethrowers Dangerous?

Not at all! Well… a bit, but only in the hands of a deranged halfwit or expertly trained killing machine (i.e. soldiers or anyone with fingers capable of pulling a trigger).

Whilst the flames the contraption spews forth are capable of incinerating all and sundry, it can also be used for more innocuous activties such as toasting bread, plucking one’s eyebrows, terrifying pigeons (if this is your type of thing), or delivering a well cooked steak to a fussy diner.

Truly, the flamethrower is a versatile beast and provides fantastic uses to contemporary human beings. One does not need to be a bloodthirsty psychopath to take advantage of the flamethrower (although, admittedly, if you are a bloodthirsty psychopath the device would be useful), which is why we’re calling on the British government to legalise them immediately! It’s for the good of the nation, sir.

4 comments

    • I know what kremlin berlin is, okay? I do have a degree in cooking, you know. So I got the worst score in the world but it does mean I know a thing or two!

      And yes, the flamethrower is highly effective for toasting desserts and, indeed, deserts.

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