Is the Great White Shark Much More Than a Torpedo With Teeth?

Great White Shark
Zomg… so cute!

Following the success of Jaws the great white shark rather unfairly gained the reputation as a mindless killing machine. We don’t subscribe to such manic hyperbole, which is why today we’re taking a look at whether it’s best defined as an out-of-control torpedo with rows of razor sharp teeth attached to the front, or if it’s a tad more cuddly.

We use “cuddly” rather loosely there as the great white shark isn’t going to replace the hamster, kitten, or puppy for adorability factor any time soon. Let’s face it – the things are goddamn terrifying and if you saw one swimming towards you you’d quite rightly feel a slight whimper of fear inside you dark, cold, remorseless brain. So why should we be celebrating this magnificent creature?

The Great White Shark

For starters, let’s take a look at the name. “The” – yes well it is something so “the” qualifies it as something. This part of the name is fine and we’re happy to accept it.

“Great” – yes. The things are bloody enormous! Some grow to 20ft. Can you imagine something of that size gliding blissfully by you in the ocean? Indeed, this is why it has “white” next up as you’d be bloody white with sheer horror.

Finally, we have “shark”. Yep, it’s one of those alright. We don’t think there are many conspiracy theories around which claim it’s a, for instance, mongoose or elephant. The great white shark most definitely is not an elephant. It’s a shark and its diet consists of not daffodils and hedges, but anything with blubber… which includes, you overweight people of the 21st century!!

Anyway, the problem with the oceans is there we have a perfectly balanced ecosystem which, over millions of years, has balanced itself out perfectly. In the last 50 years, humans have bumbled into this ecosystem like drunken football hooligans after a 3am kebab – the result is an ocean which may well be free from torpedoes with teeth one day soon.

Oh God, It’s a Liberal Rant… You Bloody Lefty!

We’re not here to talk politics, we’re here to talk about torpedoes. Indeed, rumour has it that the aerodynamic performance of the shark is so great, the British army once considered firing sharks at their opponents instead of missiles.

This was during WWII when desperation had set in, but thankfully stiff upper lip reserve hung about and Britain won the war and began Supreme Ruler of Earth. We have the great white shark to thank for this state of affairs, so Britain must rally its citizens in supporting the shark and ensuring it continues to terrify people out of the water for another billion years!

4 comments

    • Swimming is a perfectly natural thing, if you’re an enormous monster with endless rows of mortifying teeth.

      T’weird thing is, I weren’t scared of it all as a child. I’d seen Jaws then and hurled myself into the ocean. Now I’d be wary. So very, very wary!

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