Walnuts are interesting nuts. Apparently they’re more like seeds than traditional botanical nuts – they also come encased in the world’s most impossible to open shell. Indeed, many a human has busted an eyeball through strain by attempting to open one of these things.

Indeed, it’s a real tragedy the walnut is so healthy and tasty for us. Crammed full of essential fatty acids, they’re most excellent. However, where do they come from? Scientists have traced the walnut to a green husk which grows on trees. We think this is a lie – we believe the walnut’s name hints at its origins… and it’s wall based.

Walnuts Grow on Walls

What’s in a name? Well, the origins of where the walnut comes from for a start: walls. In England, Walls is a brand of sausage you can buy, but walnuts aren’t found in sausages. They’re found on walls. We hope this clears up any confusion.

Indeed, walnuts are typically placed on supermarket shelves for consumers to purchase. Shelves are typically near walls, this is because it’s believed the walnut can’t cope with being around walls and will detonate with the power of 10,000 caterpillar burps if stressed out (i.e. removed away from a wall).

Whilst this may sound terrifying, 10,000 caterpillar burps is the equivalent of accidentally opening a door straight into your stupid face, so it’s essentially more embarrassing as opposed to disastrous. Thusly, you have been warned. Got some walnuts in your kitchen? Keep them near a wall!

Cripes! What About Brazil Nuts?!

Luckily, Brazil nuts don’t need to be consumed near Brazil to eat them. A much more laid back nut, it doesn’t mind being shipped around the world and consumed by health freaks in as distant a land as the North West of England.

Others nuts are just as placid. Almonds are so chilled out they’re happy to be consumed at any position in the universe (note the name: all-monds – this means “All, mon!”), whilst peanuts are good mates with peas and pistachios even allow people with moustaches to eat them.

Consequently, the walnut is the world’s fussiest nut. Some would say it’s a nutcase, but we believe this species of nut is simply too used to hanging around walls. It’s stifling, you know?

So, as long as you don’t mind the feeling analogous to a door in your face, take a packet of walnuts and throw it out of your window away from your walls! It’ll do the indomitable little gits some good.