Yesterday we did In Praise of Windows. Today we’re being miserable by condemning door handles and getting all contemptuous. Why would a liberal site such as Professional Moron have an issue with these seemingly innocuous things? Simple: door handles are smug and annoying and we hate them for it.

Unwittingly, you use door handles all day every day. Whether you need to secure your property or you’ve had an argument with someone and want to slam a door to create a dramatic scene, the door handle will help you achieve this. So, yes, these things are highly useful but, no, they should not be available for use in a civilised society.

The Door Handle

“And why not?!” you grunt imbecilically. Simple: the door handle is prejudiced against every other creature on this Earth… other than humans. What sort of message is this sending out to the world and, indeed, universe?

When aliens invade (Independence Day 2 is out in cinemas in two weeks, remember!) they’re going to see how we segregate ourselves from our fellow Earthlings, which could potentially fuel an incident and force forgotten thespian Bill Pullman to do another stirring speech about blowing crap up.

You may be wondering: “What is a door handle, anyway?” Well, fool, it’s a mechanism which is violently branded onto a door. The contraption is then used to leverage open doors by unlocking a sort of latch thing.

Some door handles (also known as doorknobs, particularly by people who like insulting them) also have key things in there so folks can lock their doors. What the door handle says to humanity is this: you’re too stupid to open this thing without this, idiot! It’s morally bankrupt, if you ask us.

I’ve Never Read Anything so Stu…

Listen here, fool, door handles are notorious for passing on infections. This is another reason we hold them in contempt: you can catch scurvy off the damn things. Gout too, we believe. How maddening is that? You open a door and then next thing you know you’ve got tinnitus!

How can this injustice be rendered obsolete? We’ve invented a new profession to ensure the world’s door handles remain free from germs 24/7. This person would essentially be a sanitising doorman, but this term didn’t sound profound enough. Thusly, we oomphed things up and now we have the world’s best ever job: The Satan Doorperson.

Consequently, given how many doors there are in the world (including legendary ’60s band The Doors), this should create around 10 billion jobs (weird, isn’t it, thinking there are more doors in the world than humans?) – it’s not a well paying job (about 30p – $1 – a day), but one has to start somewhere with an economic and social revolution.

Conclusion

We’re no longer sure if this means door handles should be held in contempt. One can’t mock them if so many Satan Doorpeople cleaning doors all day and every day.

Regardless, we still think door handles are stupid and long for the day when those automatic ones you see in Star Trek will exist. Bring it on!