We all know about toothpaste – it’s not exactly got a distinguished history. How many of us have had to endure scrubbing paste all over our teeth in the name of proper dental hygiene as prescribed by dentists and other dental hygienists (your parents, for example) across the world? Bloody nanny state heathens!
Indeed, from today onwards we’re advocating (as we’re in line with the Tooth Fairy, who writes exclusive newsletters for us) a new type of dental hygiene which involves plenty of unnecessary agony, a decent saving as you no longer have to buy toothbrushes, and the use of a £1,000 3D printer. Glory awaits!
Tooth Copy & Paste
Tooth Copy & Paste (created as part of our new healthcare company: Rotten 2 Da Core) isn’t so much an invention and more of a combination of other people’s inventions into one largely unrecognisable unit of intellectual laziness and copyright infringement.
Simply put, to use Tooth Copy & Paste one simply abstains from brushing one’s teeth. At first, this will seem brilliant – twice daily you will no longer have to pursue dental hygiene! You’ll agree with us at this stage we’re geniuses; you, the consumer, will curse the years wasted standing slobbering before a bathroom mirror.
The next stage, after several weeks of dental ignorance, will be a bit more difficult. Reduced to a dribbling wreck and in a perpetual state of agony as your teeth rot from inside your face, you may feel the need to hound us through the courts of England in pursuit of our comeuppance.
It’s whilst you’re sobbing uncontrollably due to a far-reaching bout of tooth decay that the true brilliance of our invention kicks in! You book an appointment at our health clinic, come on in, and we’ll yank out all of your rotten teeth with implements such as a vacuum cleaner, hammers, a chainsaw, and garden shears. Don’t worry, we’ll knock you out with chloroform before partaking in this brutal moment of violence.
Whilst you’re slumped unconscious somewhere in our clinic, we’ll get busy printing off some 3D tooth replicas for your mouth. They’ll be inserted and looking as good as new by the time you rejoin reality – we’ll even inject you with morphine to get a smile back on your face!
All of this will cost you but a mere £500 per 3D printed tooth! “Okay, that’s quite pricey, I think I’ll continue brushing my teeth and avoid all that hellish nuisance you just described.” Do that if you must, fool, but be wary tooth brushing is the nanny state psychosis as predicted in many a dystopian novel – you’re a cog in the machine until you suffer through mind crushing dental agony to escape it all!
Going Toothpaste Free
On a final note, many of you may initially struggle to leave behind toothpaste. Some of you may suffer from homesickness, scurvy, and/or malaria in the first 72 hours after abstaining from the white stuff, but in the long term (we bloody well promise you) Tooth Copy & Paste is worth it.
It may seem extortionate and probably not legal, but we assure you your best interests are about fourth in line for our company’s KPIs. You’re roughly behind our profits, the funds we need for excellent packed lunches, flu jabs, an office pet (probably a goat we’ll call Barry), and food for the pet (the finest organic produce money can buy). Then it’s you!
Indeed, Rotten 2 Da Core is a forward thinking company. We know you know the nanny states has things you don’t want you to know – all it takes to escape from the ‘mare is crippling torment and psychological afflictions for the rest of your days. Hurrah!