At Professional Moron, we’re getting bored of reading stuff online about business and what “successful” people do with their daily routines. It’s all part of the “lifehack” revolution which many “people” seem “to” buy into – it’s essentially about how to learn from others to get stinking rich so you can drive a “Ferrari”. Yeah, whatever!
We just read one such article – apparently billionaires such as Richard Branson, Bill Gates, and Jean-Paul Sartre have a bloody routine. Well whoop dee doo, isn’t that nice? We have a routine as well and it involves drinking tea – we lose money because of it, probably about £100 a year if you must know. As we’re freeloading hippies, however, we scrape a living together by pointing out to other people why they should be buying stuff. Now there’s some hypocrisy!
What are the Habits of Unsuccessful People?
In modern society, wealth equals success. Many people seem to believe this wholeheartedly – you can be as an obnoxious as a certain American Presidential candidate, yet he (or she!) has succeeded in life as she (or he!) is a billionaire. Right? He (or it) has done something with its (or their) life… as they’re rich.
Okay, so we have terrifying Marxist leanings on this blog, but today we’re going to point out the hideously limited notion which claims wealth is all important. We’ll do this by pointing out the brilliant and fascinating routine of the appallingly unsuccessful…
Our esteemed editor begins each day by sobbing uncontrollably on his bathroom floor wailing “I’m a goddamn failure!” This goes on for an hour, after which he drinks 7 pints of tea. On his way to work this generally tends to hit his bladder, meaning he either has to wet himself or make a mad dash for the nearest lavatory. Invariably, he wets himself.
Suitably ashamed, he spends the rest of the day barking orders at the Professional Moron staff whilst ruling with a totalitarian iron fist. On returning home he eats an entire box of donuts, does one push-up, and then goes to bed.
As he drifts off, due to his seemingly intrinsic understanding of human psychology, he becomes self-aware. At this point he realises he is already dead. With this uplifting thought, he heads off to sleep and dreams about daffodils and nuclear explosions.
Learn From the Best!
To be inefficacious is, in some respects, is to be a winner at something. Indeed, if you’re being unsuccessful, you’re losing really brilliantly. With this sublime concept in mind, head into each day with a general malaise which will make you sneer in contempt at everybody.
There’s a saying in Formula One (the sport which is like tennis but faster, and the drivers don’t wear skirts) which goes like this: “to finish first, first one has to finish”. What we’re purporting is you head for a saying such as: “to finish last, the last thing you need to do is bother doing anything.” This isn’t quite as snappy as the other one, but it’s decent all the same.
Thusly, we can assist your surge towards slovenly underachievement by highlighting the following issues. These are milestones in anyone’s inadequate life – aim low!
- Eat more raw garlic – horrify anyone and everyone your come across
- Eat four boiled eggs each morning – really get the repulsion factor going
- Stop bathing – BO is a horrendous stench which will fend off unwanted triumps
- Insult anyone and everyone you meet – the ruder you are the less you’ll achieve, just look at Donald Trump!
- Get into job interviews hungover and belligerent
- Accuse your peers of hypocrisy and stupidity no matter how intelligent they are
- Accuse your dole officer of being a rampaging Communist
To be a loser takes absolute no effort. Indeed, success takes some effort. How you define success is entirely up to your brain – some people would suggest winning a gold medal at the Olympics makes one a success. At Professional Moron, we just think this means you trained really, really, really, really, really, really way too much.
What about intellects, then, or creative sorts? Beethoven, Solzhenitsyn, Mozart, Orwell, Barry Manilow – would we get off our high horse and class any of this lot as succesful? Irrelevant. When it comes to being unsuccessful, all one must remember is to wake up each morning, stare at yourself in the mirror, and not bother brushing your teeth. That’s the first step to dismal failure. Congratulations!