Exclusive Invention: WordCress (like WordPress, but for cress fans)

WordCress food blogging
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of cress.

WordPress truly is a modern day marvel – it allows every day idiots such as ourselves to host a website. We thank you, WordPress, and doff our caps in your general direction. This is all very well and marvellous, of course, except WordPress doesn’t cater for fans of cress – today, we’re going to bloody well rectify this!

WordCress is a cress based type of blogging format which enables one to write liberally whilst growing cress just as liberally. It’s a liberal experience all around – you’d cresser (better) believe it! So crest the hill and let your journey cressmence (commence) with our in-cress-ible cress-based invention!


The thing about cress is it’s a vegetable which you don’t really ever bother eating much. You know it exists, it may even populate your kitchen every now and then, but on the whole you live a cress free existence. It’s a bloody crying shame!

With our invention, however, cress will become a daily part of your life. WordCress is a cutting edge piece of software which requires you to download it (you pay us £500 – $700 – for the privilege) and then it will, with the magic of mud and seeds, turn your computer area into a living, breathing mound of cress.

Thanks to real-time analytical technology, your computer will be able to turn the grotesque clumps of food stuck in your keyboard (admit it – you’re a slob and you chew like a barbarian over the thing) into a cress patch.

All you need to do is water your keyword twice daily and, if you so wish, talk to the cress to encourage its journey towards the light. To get it moving, feel free to utter soothing platitudes such as “Come on! Grow! Grow you goddamn SOB!” and before long your computer will be overgrown with wild cress. Wonderful, right?

Electrocution Issues

Do note, using WordCress brings with it the regular threat of electrocution. This is a notable downside. Many of you will know that pouring water onto electrical gadgets is a bad idea, which is something of a design flaw we’ve not bothered to rectify.

Due to the Consumer Rights Act 2015, we’re consequently obliged to inform you of how to overcome outcomes such as immediate death, third degree burns, memory loss, and hilarious pointy hair. Indeed, the best way to avoid such a fate is to avoid WordCress at all costs and report us to the Office of Fair Trading.

Naturally, being odious capitalists who merely want your cash, we recommend you go ahead and purchase WordCress on an insane whim. You’ll be able to blog as normal with our sub-par technology, enjoy tasty cress as you work, and receive the occasional electrical jolt as water and electricity combine to needlessly put your life at risk. Oh well, YOLO, eh?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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