It’s the romantic topic of earwax this week as we help out one of our beleaguered readers with her hideous boyfriend. How kind of us.

This is a common issue, much like a man’s hairy back or a geezer’s mansplaining.

Yes, as it turns out the boyfriend has some facile notions on what the humble cotton earbud cleaner can and can’t do. What a stupid SOB. Luckily, we’re here to get his life back in order.

Dealing With a Man’s Excessive Earwax

Dear Professional Moron. I’m appealing to you to install some calm into my boyfriend’s brain. He’s driving me mad with his lack of cleanliness! He refuses to clean his ears. He hasn’t done them up since 2011 and the resulting goopy mess which hangs out of his earlobes is so repulsive I physically retch whenever I see him. This is not how I envisioned my life would turn out! I tell him to clean his ears and buy him lots of ear cleaning products at appropriate times (such as birthdays etc.), but now I merely have a spare room full of unused cotton earbuds. He keeps saying they are the work of the devil and will corrupt his mind and destroy his ears. What should I do!?!?? What?! OH SWEET JESUS WHAT SHOULD I DO?! ARRRGHHHH!!!!! Yours, Catherine.

Hello, Catherine! We’re happy to help you out. It’s about time this disgusting bastard got what’s coming to him!

A lack of cleanliness is a crime against humanity and whilst we don’t think he should be attached to a Catherine wheel and tortured until he gives in, something clearly needs to be done.

There simply is no excuse for this sort of behaviour. Well… back up, let’s think logically.

If he didn’t have any arms that would be excusable, but we’re presuming he has a full quota of limbs and is simply absconding from his duties as a doting boyfriend. He makes our blood boil!

When Torture Isn’t Enough!

As established above, Medieval torture methods won’t be classed as legal under the loony lefty PC liberal progressivism society which has made life all the more enjoyable for so many hundreds of millions of people.

Whilst this is a crying shame, you should still be able to psychologically destroy your opponent (sorry, boyfriend) using some of the following tactics.

• Adopt childish games. Whenever he attempts to talk to you, simply repeat “I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?” over and over and over. After an hour of this he will become enraged, which is when you can have an emotional meltdown and berate him about his ear issues.
• Dress up as Satan, wake him as he sleeps with an ear-piercing scream, and threaten to massacre his earlobes unless he starts using cotton buds. This should emotionally scar him into cleaning up the gloopy badness.
• Give him a taste of his own medicine! Refuse to clean your ears and see how he likes it when he introduces his hot babe to his friends and family… the hot babe with goopy earwax hanging out of her brains! Mwahahahaha!
• Alternatively (seeing as winter is on the way), you could get him some lovely big earmuffs and force him at gunpoint to wear them all day long.
• Take a picture of him, put it on Facebook, and get all your friends to mock, troll, and cyberbully him. In a matter of days he’ll be a psychological wreck with numerous personality disorders, such as agoraphobia, photosynthesis, and carpal tunnel syndrome.

Overcoming a Husband’s Earwax Issues

Men, eh? Bloody men and their man feet and stubble.

Why, if the Professional Moron office wasn’t populated solely by men, we’d say we’d be women and we’d hate on men even more!

Or something. I think we’re getting ourselves a bit confused now, let’s just focus on the earwax issue.

Indeed, we should stress if any of the above methods fail to get your boyfriend to clean up his act, there’s only one option left available to you – divorce.

This means you will have to marry him first, of course, and grin and bear it during your gloopy marriage ceremony, but when you divorce his ass the expression on his face will be worth it! Best of luck to you, Cath!